I gazed into my crystal ball to see what news 2014 will throw up…
‘High-Ella’ goes back to school
Oven fresh from her court case revealing she, previously thought of as a ‘perfect housewife’, had taken Breaking Bad-size quantities of drugs, Nigella Lawson will go back to school to teach kids her own unique brand of home economics. Children will be taught the dangers of drugs, but teachers unions and Daily Mail readers alike will express worries that pupils will fail to heed the advice and come out of her lectures on ‘coke cakes’ with the wrong impression. Or just stare at her tits and not take any of it in at all.
Builders on Page 3
The Sun newspaper will give into pressure from feminist campaigners and stop showing women on page 3. However, Rupert Murdoch, ever the savvy operator, knowing his audience and stoking up controversy for sales, will decide to feature each day a different burly male builder looking sultry on the page, naked except for a hard hat covering his modesty and accompanied by a text box of said builder’s faux-highfalutin opinion on the latest news story. For example: “Dave is really concerned about the possibility of a football match between England and Afghanistan to mark the end of British military involvement in the region. He said: The UK’s military involvement in Afghanistan, morally dubious in the first place, has been marred by corruption and very questionable human rights practices. As such, using the noble pursuit of football as a….well, political football to advance this government’s jingoistic and doctrinaire militarism is morally abhorrent. That said, if the game is played, C’Mon ENGLAND!”
Google does your job
Following its acquisition of Boston Dynamics – makers of slightly sinister walking and talking animal robots, including Big Dog, which the US’ Department of Defense uses – Google will announce a robot capable of replacing you at your job. The robot will be life-size, able to be dressed in a person’s clothes and come fitted with voice-recognition software which will learn the owner’s voice. Advanced models will come with three different settings to accurately mimic different workers’ personas at work – ‘productive’, ‘appear productive’ and ‘hungover’. ‘Productive’ will send emails, work on spreadsheets, make phone calls and such like. ‘Appear productive’ will appear to do the same, but, so as not to arouse suspicion with unusually high productivity figures, will actually browse Facebook and look at funny animal videos for most of the day. While in ‘hungover’ mode, intended for use the morning after big office dos, the robot will not even make any pretense towards productivity, and instead regularly hold its head while occasionally uttering generic comments of regret on the previous night’s antics, such as “Oh god…why did I have those three sambuca bombs last night?!” The internet giant will also start work on a facility that will enable the robot to chat up Rebecca from accounts.
Miley Cyrus converts to feminism
Miley Cyrus – arch provocateur or just latest on the factory line of messed celebrities – will deliver a lecture at Yale, discussing her antics such as twerking and mock-pleasuring herself with a giant foam hand in terms of the emancipation of women, and tracing a line back to feminist thinkers such as Emmeline Pankhurst and Germaine Greer. She will assert that performing fellatio on a hammer is a clear representation of women’s hard-fought sexual autonomy and their eschewal of the patriarchy. She will then film a video for a song called Haterz Be Bitchin’, in which she portrays herself as a 21st-century Vitruvian woman – lying back naked and being spun round on circular contraption in a nightclub, while erotically glorying in all the drinks, some of a pale white hue, being thrown over her face. “It is incredibly empowering,” she will say.
UKIP are not for this world…literally
Mocked by people of all political bents – apart Daily Mail and Express – for wanting to ‘stop the world and get off’, UKIP will actually do just that (kind of), by taking off in a space shuttle to the moon. 50 of their top honchos (ie ‘nut cases’) will depart for our celestial neighbour in order to set up a new civilisation, free from political correctness, gay people, taxes, immigrants (ironically), the BBC, global warming, and, last but certainly not least, the EU. But the bureaucrats in Brussels will still trouble Farage and co. right up to take off. As Farage will, despite its relatively limited aerospace capability, insist on launching from the UK – but be hampered by “red tape” from the EU, insisting on such obtrusive things as decent pilot training and rocket safety. Farage will say: “Why all this useless Brussels red tape?! Once again, Brussels fatcats are just trying to stop enterprising (geddit?) Britons going about their business. They are a huge reason we are leaving, but they are trying to make us stay!” And, on what the moon holds for his brigade of space pioneers, he will say: “I have it on bloody good authority – a bloke called Wallace and his pooch – that there is some rather fine cheese on the moon. Better than all that French rubbish anyway”
Russell Brand tries a rebrand
After a staunch attack on free market capitalism, Russell Brand will decide to get “inside the belly of the beast” to better understand it, by becoming a regional manager of a HSBC branch. He will say: “I wanted to brrrrrrroooaaden my horrrrriiiizzons. I’ve been saying capitalism is shit and all that, but then I thought don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it. And I can’t really say I have, what with being too fucked on drugs for about a decade after being of working age, then doing this ‘making people laugh’ lark, which does make some moooooooolah, as they say, but isn’t really the syyyysssstttttemmmm.” Brand will go on to get dismissed for ‘improper conduct’, including joining up points on a sales figures Powerpoint to make out the outline of a masturbating monk.
Dennis Rodman will, sponsored by betting company Paddy Power, travel to North Korea to train citizens for an exhibition basketball game against what is believed to be a roster of former NBA stars. The match will mark the birthday of North Korean “supreme leader” Kim Jong Un on January 8, with whom the wildchild of 90s NBA basketball is “friends for life”. The trip will come amid escalating tension in the country, linked to the recent execution of Kim Jong Un’s uncle, a successful nuclear launch and long-standing controversy over the repressive country’s widespread poverty and human rights abuses.“I mean, whatever his uncle has done, and whoever’s done anything in North Korea, I have no control over that,” Rodman will tell Reuters, without apparent irony given the huge propaganda tool the basketball game will be. “I mean, these things have been going on for years and years.” Again, said with no apparent irony.
This event, though, is ACTUALLY BEING PLANNED, and Rodman has actually said those things (and more lunacy). Dear reader, I shit you not.