Posts Tagged ‘Oxford-Cambridge Boat Race’

The Blue Peter Badge Conspiracy

In Satire on April 16, 2012 at 1:17 PM

The protester who disrupted the Oxford-Cambridge Boat Race is now planning an on-air hjacking of children’s TV show Blue Peter, TAY can exclusively reveal.

An anonymous source says Trenton Oldfield, 35, is planning to break into BBC Television Centre and interrupt the live broadcast of an episode in late May.

Once on air, he plans to give a speech about how Blue Peter is a “modern-day Marxist conspiracy from self-elected plutocrats  to distract children from the harsh realities of the evil regime they run with pretty images of sheep and cake bakes”.

He also plans to “illuminate” children into the “dark, sinister truth” about Blue Peter badges.

Ostensibly, the badges are little symbols of recognition for good deeds and/or appearing on the show. But, we can reveal, to Oldfield they are “pocket-sized emblems of servitude to the corrupt bourgeoisie, earned not through hard graft or talent, but happenstance and sycophancy; a cynical means of ingratiating innocent minds into a cruel system of conformity and subservience to the elite”.

This is done, our source adds, with free exclusive events – cynical yet simple Pavlovian psychology employed by all this government’s idols – Stalin, Hitler, Mussolini. The list goes on.

Our source recalled a conversation with Oldfield in which he said: “The government cynically target children, infecting their minds early, because they are more likely to – and indeed do – fall for this grand capitalist smokes-and-mirrors act masquerading as a TV show. Don’t be fooled, honourable comrades.”

In a mocking tone, he added: “Oooh, so little Jimmy’s written a letter – badly punctuated, I may add – saying how nice the museum you visited was, which happened to get read out on the show, and now he’s got a badge, so is part of the apparatchik of division.

“Are these people really too blind to see, for example, that this is a big cover up by Cameron and all his fat-cat cronies to hide the fact that they have severely reduced museum funding – as with arts in general – in the past year. Thus rendering art merely for those one whose silver spoons are so far in their mouths it is currently exiting their oesophagi, in a typically self-perpetuating cycle of trans-national-politico-socio-ultra elitism?!

“The ship symbolism also clearly harks back to Britain’s naval, imperialist past, which is still not that far away when you come to think of it, with the scandalous clinging on to the anachronistic military outpost the Falklands and the domestic slavery to which the elite condemn us.

“These kids need to put down the Frosties and take a good, hard bite of reality – cornflakes, the honest, proletarian man’s choice of cereal.”

When asked about the prospect of security coming in to close the show, he admitted that it is a risk but that this may only serve to better highlight his cause, as he gains sympathy for his blog when he is being pulled off by the “Stasi”.

The news comes amidst other security concerns for the Olympics. On 10 April, four were arrested for occupying the Olympic basketball centre and preventing a lorry accessing the site, and it is feared there may be similar protests at the Olympic Torch Relay.

Also, angered by the choice of sponsors such as BP, Rio Tinto and Dow Chemical, a coalition of protest groups are awarding the “Greenwash gold medal” to the Olympic sponsor that voters choose to be the most unethical.

In a final plea, Oldfield said: “I urge all you good children of Britain to renounce the despicable elitism of the Blue Peter badge in the name of democracy, and ensure your future in a free, just society, devoid of all those baddies you read about in your fairy tales…”

(Ed: I guess this society has all of us riding on the back of unicorns whilst simultaneously having a threesome with Megan Fox and Rihanna…)

(Ed: And didn’t this guy go to a private school in a wealthy Sydney suburb and study a PhD at a top (elite?!) English university, London School of Economics?!)

Joel Durston