Posts Tagged ‘John Motson’

Spare a Thought For the Pundits This Christmas

In Satire on December 24, 2011 at 4:02 PM

BBC executives are fearing for the health of their football pundits over this festive period, in which there are approximately 7,989 games of top-flight British football.

After reading reports from the Institute for Mental-ness Studies,  they believe Hansen, Motty, Lineker and co.’s mental states could seriously deteriorate with the constant football scrutiny (though they claim the effect to Shearer will be negligible because there isn’t that much going on upstairs with him at the best of times).

Things are already quite drastic. After interviewing Hansen’s family, we found that last year he only sat down at the table for Christmas Dinner for 20 minutes, before walking away in disgust at the shocking defensive line of the pigs in blankets.

BBC Director-General Mark Thompson said: “The lads have already worked very hard all season, but the Christmas period is particularly intense.”

“We fear that one analysis of one more positional error from Armand Traore could cause Hansen’s head to explode from what we have been reliably told is ‘over-football-itis’.”

“And even if we do weather the storm this Christmas, there is the prospect of considerable long-term damage. We have already heard a few reports about Mark Lawrenson imploring ducks in his local park to put a name on the bread crumbs he throws to them. What next?! Will Motty end up holed up in a mental asylum, detailing to anyone within earshot West Brom’s impressive record from set pieces in the late 00s?”.

Mr. Thompson added that even when they brought in psychologists to spell out the dangers to the pundits, and the consequent need for rest this festive period, the punditry team would hear not a word of it, remaining resolutely glued to their sofas, monitors and stats machines.

“So we ask you, dear viewers, to spare a thought for our pundits this Christmas. Maybe even give the footy a break, even if it means putting up with your nan’s hilariously inaccurate Charade dramatics, so our lads don’t feel such a compulsion to sate the nation’s insatiable football appetite,” he added.

“The least we ask is that football fans up and down the country cut our lads some slack by avoiding criticising analysis, insinuations on Shearer’s simpleness and comparisons between the shape of Lineker’s head and the FA Cup. For, in sacrificing their mental health for our viewing pleasure, they are brave, selfless men.”

Joel Durston