joeldurston

Posts Tagged ‘Arsenal’

2011/12 Premiership Season Review

In Sport on May 20, 2012 at 3:34 AM

O……M…….F……..G. Here at TAY we’re not usually prone to such teenage internet-speak, but the most  apocalyptic end to the most apocalyptic season (in living memory at least) had the marvellous ability to bring out the gawping, incredulous child in all of us. Alright there were some killjoys, but more fool them if they are either too serious (or joyless) to spurn the emotional thrill of football for the FT,  or hypocritical enough to enough to decry football while engrossed in the Saturday night fortunes of others who have the temerity to passionately pursue their dream.

But for the most of us – engorged in fat, fatuous cake of football, however self-consciously – here’s TAY’s attempt to make a method of this season’s undoubted, exhilarating madness…

Best match

How to choose. United v Everton? Chelsea v Arsenal? United v Arsenal? City v QPR? All great games in their own right. The obvious answer is of course the latter; City’s breathtaking 3-2 win this weekend against QPR, but, being a pretentious pedant, this was only so exciting when viewed in the context of the other games that day and the narrative of the season as a whole. In isolation it was just a perfectly normal, albeit exciting, win against a much lesser team. My pick is City’s landmark 6-1 win against United earlier this season because of its significance; confirmation, if it hadn’t already arrived, that City were no longer just the ‘noisy neighbours’ playing their dubstep at a slightly inconvenient yet ignorable level, but neighbours persistently urging to come over and join the dinner party. They wrangled the invite. The results were thrillingly messy.

Best team

At the start of the season, many if not most were consigning Swansea to relegation – myself included, despite having a soft spot for them due it being my mum’s hometown. It seemed likely they would become this season’s Blackpool; likable, attractive to watch, but ultimately too brittle and under-resourced for the Darwinnian, Hunger Games-esque world of the Premiership. That they definitively proved the naysayers wrong, whilst still retaining their integrity and playing style, is a tremendous credit to Brendan Rodgers and his players.

Best goal

Another very tough choice. Cisse (that one) and Suarez (the chip against Norwich) both scored amazing goals, but these were spontaneous moments of brilliance. Hatem Ben Arfa’s, my choice, showed several moments of genius, which all combined to make one spectacular whole – the quick-thinking backheel and then blistering pace to beat the two Bolton central midfielders, the thread-through-a-needle incision of the centre-halves, and the composed finished past Bogdan. Sublime.

Best player

Could be any one of a dozen or so – (in rough ascending order) Walker for tireless running; Ba/Cisse (pre- and post-Christmas, respectively); Bale if he – and spurs – didn’t go off the boil slightly; Rooney for consistent strike rate (and unusual temperament); Aguero for impish energy and finishing; Silva for effortless, elegant excellence; Hart for presence and world-class shot-stopping; Parker, Kompany and Toure for towering performances and leadership. But, admittedly with possible bias, I’m plumping for Van Persie, for the way he almost single-handedly brought Arsenal (hell, cover’s blown – ‘us’) Champions League football with 30 league goals – an eclectic mix of wonder-goals and tap-ins. There were times this joke seemed very apt: “The Robin Van Persie Tea Tray….carries 10 mugs”. Considering, a third-placed finish is a great achievement, and largely his.

Best character

A two-horse race, surely, between messrs Balotelli and Barton. The former an exuberant, enigmatic court jester, a man with the talent of the 21-year-old he is but the attitude of a 7-year-old. The latter a strange tri-chotomy, if you will, of a man – part sensitive, art-loving Smiths fan; part people’s philosopher (or fool); and part Scouse thug. Public perception has lurched staunchly to the latter view after Sunday’s moment of madness (or, perhaps, normality for him). So for this reason, Balotelli gets my vote. Super Mario was similarly a class-A prat against Arsenal, where he got sent off for a reckless challenge after he should have been sent off for an even more reckless challenge – actions that arguably nearly cost City the title, and may yet lead to his exit from the club. But, although this was one piece of crazy too much for many, Balotelli can largely pull off japes like playing Angry Birds on the bench for his national team (i.e. funny but disrespectful) due to his youthful joie de vivre – personally what football is all about. Barton would be pilloried, and rightly so.

Best howler

The cliché my nan could have scored that! is oft-used in football, but probably actually true in this case. Torres had actually had a good game this match at Old Trafford – not always with end product, but lively, and he produced one sumptuous chip to beat De Gea. The miss, however, typified his form. He took a through ball and rounded De Gea well, but missed an open goal from 6 yards under absolutely no pressure. People pored over the replays to look for an incriminating bobble, but there was none; just absolutely shocking tekkers, hilarious to the majority of football fans who love a bit of schadenfreude.

Best Manager

Could have equally gone to Brendan Rodgers (as best team could have Newcastle), but I’ve elected to give this to Alan Pardew for the way he has turned a very average team into serious Champions League hopefuls. And he did it the right way too. Contemporaries Liverpool splashed the clash yet floundered (in the league at least), but Pardew brought in relative unknowns for bargain-bucket prices and moulded them into a unit at once solid and exhibitive of fantastic, flowing football. Demba Ba on a free has to be signing of the season. Remember we were all outraged at nice guy Hughton being given his marching orders?! That this seems a distant memory is testament to Pardew’s transformation.

Dark horse

Would be Newcastle or Ba specifically, but since I’ve covered both already, I’ll go for Papiss Cisse, with a notable mention to reborn Hatem Ben Arfa. Pretty much unknown by everyone before he was bought in January (for £10m from Freiburg) – I’ll hold my hands up, I didn’t know who he was – Cisse has gone on to become a fans’ favourite. And unsurprisingly, given his 13 goals in 14 appearances, including some absolutely redonkulous ones such as the looped chip against Swansea and outside-of-the-foot, 35-yard banana shot against Chelsea, which probably would have returned back to him were it not for the net. Nice guy, too, as shown by his surprise visit to the home of the (overjoyed) primary school kid who drew a picture of him at school when he was meant to make a present for his folks. Who needs Carroll, eh?!

Best Funny moment

There’s been a few – there always will be with Super Mario around – but it’s got to go the Anfield cat. The stray, known to wander around the premises, livened up an otherwise drab encounter between Liverpool and Spurs, insouciantly trotting around Brad Friedel’s goalmouth and sitting down – much to the amusement of the players and fans – before being escorted off by a steward, earning 25,000 Twitter fans in the process. And in doing so, ‘Kenny’, as he’s been dubbed, made more of an impact at Anfield than Stewart Downing did all season. Miaow.

Best punditry

OK, so they’re both technically in the Champions League (the Chelsea/Barca semi), but it’s got to be a joint win between Gary Neville’s much-parodied orgasmic exhortations at Torres’ last minute goal and Geoff Shreeves’ brutally frank questioning of Branislav Ivanovic. Without so much as a personal congratulation for a typically resolute performance, Shreeves saw fit to demand of Ivanovic whether he was booked and, upon the bewildered Ivanovic answering in the affirmative, tell him in no uncertain terms he would miss the final. Talk about party-pooper. Made for great TV, though, in a similarly bonkers, brilliant season. Please no one burst the bubble.

Joel Durston

If the London Mayoral Candidates Were Football Teams

In Opinion on April 20, 2012 at 1:23 PM

Boris Johnson (Conservative) – Manchester United

Precociously talented enough at what he does do to gain a grudging respect even from detractors. For the same reason, he manages to carry off his arrogance, often worn with the same simmering self-confidence as one of Old Trafford’s most finest sons, Mr Cantona. And with a charm typical of their respective countries of birth; Johnson’s ostensibly bumbling English gent to Cantona’s enigmatic, quintessentially Gallic taste for the arts and philosophy. Of course, the image is largely just clever PR. Just as behind United’s arrogance there is steel that, almost unerringly, leads to victory despite playing shit (usually courtesy of a fortuitous penalty or goal off someone’s arse), behind Johnson’s awkward, bumblingly comic demeanour there is a fierce intelligence and wit, which even opponents have a grudging respect for. (A personal favourite Borisism, if you will, is his response to criticism from Chris Huhne, who had recently been found to have transferred a driving penalty to his wife: “Well, to be fair to Chris, he does know how to get his points across…”. Miaow.)

The same sense of self-confidence influences their respective attitudes to much outside the city they represent, despite paradoxically having a relatively huge profile elsewhere. And income; Boris reportedly earns £250,000 a year for writing for the national paper The Daily Telegraph, and United earn millions from their fanbase in Asia, which is estimated to be near 100 million – a recent tour earned them an estimated £6 million. Of a huge source of United’s support, China, Boris Johnson said: “Virtually every single one of our international sports were invented or codified by the British. Other nations, the French, looked at a dining table and saw an opportunity to have dinner; we looked at it and saw an opportunity to play Wiff-waff. And I say to the Chinese, and to the world, that Ping-pong is coming home!”

Both are also not overly fond of Scousers. Manchester United fans sing (of Park Ji Sung and Liverpool fans): “Park, Park, wherever you may be, you eat dogs in your home country. But it could be worse – you could be Scouse, eating rats in your council house.” Boris has caused furore by suggesting the Hillsborough tragedy was largely due the irresponsible actions of drunken Liverpool fans, and the city wallowed in its “victim status”.

And, love them or loathe him, both now have iconic, if costly, stadiums in rough areas of their cities to their name, which should bring joy to many all over the world, if not to many of the grumbling, oppositional locals.

 

Ken Livingstone (Labour) – Liverpool FC

Both somewhat troubled at the moment, they relentlessly harp on about their glory years in the 80s – and to a lesser extent more recently – and how they can return to that hallowed place, like tired old romantics. The emotional yearning – vomit-inducing to many – can be seen in Livingstone’s (crocodile?) tears at the broadcast of his election manifesto video. For both, there are frequent calls of self-righteousness and sanctimony; most recently for Ken- whether his tears were really spontaneous and sincere given the news he had watched the film the night before.

There are also recent cries of shady and unethical organisational malpractice. Liverpool in the various financial proceedings between unpopular Americans George Gillett and Tom Hicks buying the club in 2007 and Fenway Sport Group’s 2010 takeover. And Ken Livingstone in the press’ hounding of him for including ‘actors reading from scripts’ in his election broadcast. Even if reports are often exaggerated by short-sighted press and punters – Livingstone’s ‘actors’ had been selected, paid (but only expenses) and provided with a script, but all were genuine Labour supporters. Ken has also been in hot water for the hypocrisy of denouncing the tax avoidance and evasion of “rich bastards”, yet reportedly funnelling £238,646 into a private firm to avoid the higher tax, thus saving up to £54,000 for being subject only to the 14.5% tax rate – lower than a City Hall cleaner.

And, just like Liverpool FC in their – ultimately unwise –  support of Luis Suarez amid allegations of racism, Ken has been dogged with accusations of racially divisive practice; notably, his combination of passionate championing of Islam yet snide comments about Jews. Though condemning of the authoritarian regime in Iran, he has accepted payments from the Iranian state, and also invited Yusuf-Qaradwi, Muslim hate-preacher banned from the USA who has supported suicide bombings and executions for homosexuals, to speak at City Hall.

Yet despite all the controversy both still retain a deep pride in their noble, socialist roots, or worthy wankerishness to the more cynical. Liverpool fans recently sent Alan Davies death threats for him having the temerity to suggest – sensitively – the club’s insistence on not playing on the Hillsborough anniversary was just a tad overbearing and demanding. And Ken has said this election is a “simple choice between good and evil […not] so clear since the great struggle between Churchill and Hitler”, and joked, “those who don’t vote for [him] will be weighed in the balance come Judgement Day. The Archangel Gabriel will say, ‘You didn’t vote for Ken Livingstone in 2012. Oh dear, burn for ever’.”

Add in the respective staunch devotion to red, and the resemblance is almost uncanny.

 

Brian Paddick (Lib Dem) – Arsenal

Makes positive moves, is liked by many, and has led the way in promoting a more progressive culture in his line of work (being a stereotypical Lib Dem and the UK’s first openly gay police officer), but seems not to quite have the cutting edge or political clout to mount a serious challenge, with a mere 8% of the estimated votes backing this up.

 

Siobhan Benita (Independent) – Swansea

A relative newcomer to the big league(s), Benita has a fresh, attractive approach to the game, but with a reticence and inability to spend big – and arguably play dirty, too – is unlikely to really challenge the big boys.

 

Carlos Cortiglia (BNP) – Millwall

Makes bold claims to be standing up for tradition and good, honest, hardworking Brits, but to most just hides a bunch of aggressive racists, under whatever new guise (this chap was born in Uruguay and is also of Spanish and Italian descent).

Joel Durston

Arsenal Actually Only Quite Shit

In Satire on February 6, 2012 at 9:29 AM

This Affected Youth can exclusively reveal that the footage of AC Milan v Arsenal that Sky Sports broadcasted last night was in fact that of an electrician called Dave Thompson playing FIFA 12.

Our anonymous whistleblower says the mistake occurred because a workie accidentally knocked a switch at the end of an ad break, plugging the whole system into the Playstation 3 belonging to Mr Thompson, who, in a massive coincidence, was playing the exact game at the San Siro.

As everyone will now know, Mr Thomson won his game 4-0. TAY can reveal the actual score of the match was 3-1 to AC Milan with goals from Ibrahimovic, Robinho, Antonini and Van Persie.

Mr Thompson said: “I found it hilarious that my game of FIFA has been broadcast to millions of people. I knew about the actual match, but I didn’t really care because I’m a Liverpool fan and didn’t think Arsenal would do much anyway, and I was kinda right. Because I have recently upgraded our internet connection at my house and done a jobby over at Sky Sports, I must have got the wires mixed up!”

“My mates have just found out and are giving me a lot of banter, especially for not winning by more goals on ‘amateur’ mode on a full-length game. But I’d only just bought the game and wanted to ease my way into it. Even so, it was stupidly easy. The AI was terrible; really slow, no off-the- ball running and always out of position defensively. They only mounted one serious attack.

“After I got to grips with the game, I was carving up their defence like a knife through butter. It should have been more really. Some tekkers in the first goal, though, wasn’t there? Pretty proud of that as my first goal on this [version of] FIFA.”

The new version of FIFA is so realistic that, though unlikely, such a confusion of reality and fiction can occur as this event shows. It is believed that only late on did the Sky Sports production team realise that they weren’t covering the correct game. Though the broadcasted footage showed a very anaemic, gutless and incompetent performance from Arsenal, this didn’t initially arouse any suspicion of abnormality given their current form.

The whistleblower explained that the producers watched the game and didn’t think anything was awry. This is because Koscielny and Djourou looked like startled, helpless young deer who had just wondered into the path of a truck; Walcott looked like a clueless sprinter who had got lost and gone to a football stadium rather than the athletics one; Arteta and Rosicky were consistently missing tackles and passing the ball five metres sideways and backwards with mixed success; Wenger looked like a sullen, feeble man wearing a sleeping bag; and Ibrahimovic greedily – or, in reality, automatically – took the penalty even though Robinho was on a hat-trick .

A sullen Wenger

A sullen Wenger (Courtesy of The Evening Standard)

It was only the dawning realisation that Van Persie had not scored his obligatory consolation goal that eventually triggered a sense that something was not quite right. One of the technicians checked the switches and eventually uncovered the massive fuck up.

According to our whistleblower, Sky had initially taken the decision to not reveal the fuck up at this point at the risk of damaging their reputation, given the reasonable believability of the broadcasted footage and the conviction that no one would tune into the second leg and see the actual aggregate score; neutrals for a lack of interest and Arsenal fans for a lack of hope – and a desire not to be driven to violence and/or depression.

But the game will go ahead at the Emirates, with Arsenal 3-1 down, but with an away goal and a glimmer of hope…

Joel Durston

This Affected Youth can exclusively reveal that the footage of AC Milan v Arsenal that Sky Sports broadcasted last night was in fact that of an electrician called Dave Thompson playing FIFA 12.

 

Our anonymous whistleblower says the mistake occurred because a workie accidentally knocked a switch at the end of an ad break, plugging the whole system into the Playstation 3 belonging to Mr Thompson, who, in a massive coincidence, was playing the exact game at the San Siro.

As everyone will now know, Mr Thomson won his game 4-0. TAY can reveal the actual score of the match was 3-1 to AC Milan with goals from Ibrahimovic, Robinho, Antonini and Van Persie.

Mr Thompson said: “I found it hilarious that my game of FIFA has been broadcast to millions of people. I knew about the actual match, but I didn’t really care because I’m a Liverpool fan and didn’t think Arsenal would do much anyway, and I was kinda right. Because I have recently upgraded our internet connection at my house and done a jobby over at Sky Sports, I must have got the wires mixed up!”

“My mates have just found out and are giving me a lot of banter, especially for not winning by more goals on ‘amateur’ mode on a full-length game. But I’d only just bought the game and wanted to ease my way into it. Even so, it was stupidly easy. The AI was terrible; really slow, no off-the- ball running and always out of position defensively. They only mounted one serious attack.

“After I got to grips with the game, I was carving up their defence like a knife through butter. It should have been more really. Some tekkers in the first goal, though, wasn’t there? Pretty proud of that as my first goal on this [version of] FIFA.”

The new version of FIFA is so realistic that, though unlikely, such a confusion of reality and fiction can occur as this event shows. It is believed that only late on did the Sky Sports production team realise that they weren’t covering the correct game. Though the broadcasted footage showed a very anaemic, gutless and incompetent performance from Arsenal, this didn’t initially arouse any suspicion of abnormality given their current form.

The whistleblower explained that the producers watched the game and didn’t think anything was awry. This is because Koscielny and Djourou looked like startled, helpless young deer who had just wondered into the path of a truck; Walcott looked like a clueless sprinter who had got lost and gone to a football stadium rather than the athletics one; Arteta and Rosicky were consistently missing tackles and passing the ball five metres sideways and backwards with mixed success; Wenger looked like a sullen, feeble man wearing a sleeping bag; and Ibrahimovic greedily – or, in reality, automatically – took the penalty even though Robinho was on a hat-trick .

A sullen Wenger

It was only the dawning realisation that Van Persie had not scored his obligatory consolation goal that eventually triggered a sense that something was not quite right. One of the technicians checked the switches and eventually uncovered the massive fuck up.

According to our whistleblower, Sky had initially taken the decision to not reveal the fuck up at this point at the risk of damaging their reputation, given the reasonable believability of the broadcasted footage and the conviction that no one would tune into the second leg and see the actual aggregate score; neutrals for a lack of interest and Arsenal fans for a lack of hope – and a desire not to be driven to violence and/or depression.

But the game will go ahead at the Emirates, with Arsenal 3-1 down, but with an away goal and a glimmer of hope…

Joel Durston

http://thisaffectedyouth.co.uk/2012/02/arsenal-actually-only-quite-shit/

Question Time for Wenger

In Sport on September 5, 2011 at 12:45 PM

The clouds gathering over Mr Wenger’s head grew heavier and a distinct shade darker after his Arsenal’s 8-2 loss to Manchester United. For it really was just avisit; Arsenal’s only real contribution was to permit Manchester United to play some attractive, attacking football, in what appeared to be a very one-sided training game of ‘attack v defence’. The criticism often levelled at Arsenal of being mere boys – talented but fragile compared to the men of other supposed peers – has never been more appropriate than at Old Trafford last Sunday. Almost to a man, Arsenal were mere awe-struck spectators, playing with the fear and timidity of a team with just one point from two very winnable games and starlets leaving the seemingly sinking ship, rather than the fearless abandon the same situation could engender; rabbits in Ashley Young’s luminescent headlights; lambs to the slaughter of Rooney’s ruthless rapier.

As pointed out by Paul Merson – who in all his anger seemed to be at great pains to stop himself exploding in the Sky Sports studio – the team’s respective managers will have gone into the two week international break in very different positions. With the major summer signings bedding in well (De Gea somewhat excepted), a 100% record and, even, an audacious silencing of the ‘noisy neighbours’ by with the 6-goal winning margin, Ferguson could well be off sunning himself in an exotic holiday resort. The mental image is a strange and not particularly appetising one, but pretty accurate. Wenger, on the other hand, has been in the office, assessing the damage of Sunday’s humiliating defeat and searching for last-minute deals which could save Arsenal’s wretched start the season.

Wenger’s parsimony in the transfer market has largely been both the making and the recent undoing of his tenure in North-West London. In the halcyon early years, which saw their zenith in the ‘Invincibles’ team of 2003/04, his economical approach saw him bring in Vieira, Henry, Bergkamp, Petit, Overmars and (Kolo) Toure for a combined fee of just over £30 million. Throughout his fourteen years in charge, his forward thinking commitment to beautiful football on a (relative) budget has been unwavering. Remember, this is the man largely responsible for changing Arsenal from long-ball merchants who specialised in 1-0 victories, to exponents of technical, skilful, flowing, even, ‘total’ football. Also, Wenger has been largely responsible for changing top-flight footballers from pie-eating alcoholics (small exaggeration) to calorie-counting tee-totallers (smaller exaggeration). He thus rightly gained a reputation as one greatest managers ever, having being ranked 8th in a Four Four Two list.

With all these achievements, expectations were inevitably set higher than the already high bar. However, his incredible (former?) glories have also, quite rightly, bought Wenger a lot of time in the 5 (basically) largely trophy-less years up until this day. This idea that it is almost blasphemous to call for Wenger’s exit was evident in Sky Sports’ coverage of the game. Straight after the game, at the height of his ire, Merson claimed that serious questions needed to be asked about Wenger, before appearing to back-track after the ad break in stating that he didn’t mean to imply for a minute that Wenger should go. Also, Ferguson, once seemingly hostile to the Frenchman, outright denied Geoff Shreeves’ suggestion that Wenger may have to go. He pointed out what a great manager Wenger is, all that he has done for the club and how many players Arsenal were missing.

It is true that Arsenal were missing key players: Vermaelen, Sagna and Wilshere through injury and Song and Gervinho through suspension. Arsenal’s starting eleven at Old Trafford was significantly inferior on paper and even more woefully inferior on grass.  Jenkinson up against Young, Koscielny marking Rooney (or doing a vague impression of marking), Traore vs Nani – the list goes on…

With such mismatches of talent, there were no great expectations, indeed Paddy Power even said they would refund all losing bets if Arsenal won. Yet, somehow, these saplings even fell below zero expectation.  For a club with serious -though quickly diminishing – title aspirations, this excuse just isn’t good enough. Injuries and suspensions are part and parcel of football, which managers must make provision for. This excuse also hides the fact that Manchester United have are also started the season without at least 6 key players: Ferdinand, Vidic, Fabio, Fletcher, Valencia and Carrick. It’s fair to say that they have covered their absence fairly well so far.

Not only do United have far more squad depth at the moment, they also have far more quality in their best eleven. The fact that is hard to say what their ‘best XI’ is attests to their quality. The litmus test is to consider what current Arsenal players would make it into an Arsenal/Manchester United XI. With Fabregas and Nasri gone, Van Persie is probably the only player that would, apart from Wilshere to gain experience, perhaps.

The other common excuse is that of Arsenal players’ prodigious promise for their tender years. Completely besides the fact that this has been used- in conjunction with Wenger’s deified status- to excuse near misses and relative mediocrity for about five years, it is misleading because the average age of the Manchester United team on Sunday was, like Arsenal, just 23. Unlike Arsenal sometimes, Ferguson has long struck a pitch-perfect balance between youth and experience.

The classic case of this was how he bled in the prodigal ‘Class of 91’ (Scholes, Giggs, Beckham, the Neville brothers etc.) in the mid nineties. He waited patiently until he was sure they were ready for the top-flight, then when he was certain– and only when-  gave them their chance. What’s more, he earned a healthy profit in doing so, with Ince, Kanchelskis and others being sold to make way for Becks and co., in decisions that baffled many at the time, but proved visionary in hindsight. Mr. Hansen will know this only too well, having had to eat his infamous line: “you don’t win anything with kids.”

Recently, they seem to have managed just fine the transition from the last remnants of the class of ’91 to the youth of Welbeck, Cleverley, Fabio, Rafael, Jones, Smalling and others. This is largely due to Ferguson’s savvy use of the loan system – a tactic that Wenger might be well advised to employ more effectively. For example, last season, whilst the already world-class talent of Van Der Sar, Giggs, Rooney et. al. were grinding out results to knock Liverpool “off their f***ing perch”, the nascent talent of their successors was on exhibit on loan in the lower echelons of the Premiership (Welbeck and Cleverley) or being carefully dipped into the cut-throat world of the top 4/5/6. Conversely, Arsenal youngsters were left pretty much to their own devices. After late February, Arsenal crashed out of the F.A. Cup and the Champions League, almost literally handed later-relegated Birmingham the Carling Cup Final and faded out of contention in the league.

The thing is, by general consensus, Wenger only really has himself to blame for his current woes. His thriftiness in the transfer market was once admirably economical, but now seems positively Scrooge-like. Many recent transfers have proved flops and Wenger’s previously faultless radar for spotting talent has also failed a fair bit recently. Koscielny, Squillaci, Eboue, Bendtner, Djourou, Traore and others have all proved transfer flops or misfirings of the extensive scouting system. He has brought in Mikael Arteta who may prove a useful addition, as well as German Per Mertesacker and Brazillian Santos, but these somewhat pale in comparison to the astuteness and financial muscle showed by other top Premiership clubs in the transfer market recently.

If these signings do not prove good and Wenger remains relatively tight in the transfer market, serious questions need to be asked of Wenger’s position at the club. He has undoubtedly experienced great success at the club, but it is time that people stopped giving him so much time because of this. It is strange place when Premiership football has got to where new managers can be sacked almost on presumption of inadequacy (Hughton at Newcastle, Hughes at Manchester City and others), while Wenger is given inordinate amounts of forgiveness. Maybe, just maybe, Arsenal’s fans and board should amicably part ways with Wenger, in acknowledgement of great times that were had, but also, that the relationship is no longer working.

Joel Durston

http://thisaffectedyouth.co.uk/2011/09/question-time-for-wenger/

Premiership 2010/11 End of Season Review.

In Sport on June 21, 2011 at 6:33 PM

With Manchester United tying up the title and one of the tightest, most dramatic, relegation battles in premiership history, so comes to pass another season of the premiership. And what a season it was! It included ridiculously over-priced transfers (Torres, Carroll), bizarre sackings (Hughton), contract face-offs (Rooney vs Fergie), super-injunctions (inherently anonymous), multi-million pound takeovers (Kroenke of Arsenal) and the introduction of the inimitable Mario Balotelli, who at times kept the daily soap opera of football running single-handedly!

Oh, and there was also some rather fine football on show too. Though not consistently, the top 4/5 played some wonderful football; a relatively low title-winning margin personally showing the competitiveness of the league rather than the ‘mediocrity’. As demonstrated by the wildly erratic, plum-mid-table, Sunderland, those in the mid-table were far from boring plodders. And the teams at the bottom also provided the league with much colour too, especially Blackpool, whose spirited shoe-string squad cemented their place as ‘second team’ in hearts of seemingly everyone with their admirably gung-ho brand of ‘you score 4…we’ll score 5’ football. Personally, the league will be a lot less colourful without them, literally and figuratively. In this article, I give end-of-term reports on the top 6:

Ian Holloway unveils the new signature of himself.

Ian Holloway unveils the new signature of himself.

Manchester United

United were far from the seemingly invincible team that they have been in past title races, but continually managed to pull results out of the bag due to some abstract brand of ‘Champions spirit’, if you will. As Alan Hansen always (and rightly) lauds, Sir Alex specialises in this. This was a title won as much through infamous ‘hairdryer’ treatment, opportunism and ‘never say die spirit’ (see for one their Giggs-inspired comeback from two-down on a grim night at Bloomfield road), as it was through quality (not to mention a fair bit of luck too). They have, however, played consistently good football elsewhere, in getting to the F.A cup semi-final (only to lose to rivals City) and in reaching the Champions League final at their home-from-home (old joke, I know, but as a jealous Gooner, I couldn’t resist). Yes, Barcelona’s mesmerising passing made it a ‘men vs boys’ contest, but very few teams recently have come off as anything better than adolescents against this Barca team which, for my money, rank as the second greatest ever, eclipsed only by the great World Cup-winning Brazil ’70 team.

Stars: Van der Sar and Giggs continue to defy their age by putting in consistently great performances, the latter from his newly-realised position in the middle of the park. In front of the ever-reliable Van Der Sar, Vidic was, as usual, a rock, even if he occasionally displayed the movement of one too. Nani has continued to fill the significant void left on the wing by one Mr. Ronaldo by adding end product to his undoubted skill. And up front, United have been spoilt for choice. Berbatov has seemingly strolled, literally at times, to being the Premiership’s joint top scorer thanks in no small part to a staggering 5 against Blackpool. Javier Hernandez has been signing of the season; his estimated £7m transfer fee a mere snip for the frequent ‘poacher’ goals and permanent ‘last man’ threat. The ‘Little Pea’ is such a perfect foil to Berbatov and Rooney, the latter having improved greatly in the second half of the season after the settling of the contract debacle.

Flops: On his few appearances, new signing Porteguese winger Bebe has seemed entirely unworthy of the ‘new Nani/Ronaldo’ tags bandied around him. Evans often seems out of his depth and Gibson also does not quite look like a United player, as demonstrated by the harsh fan abuse which caused him to shut down his newly-opened Twitter account.

A-

Manchester United FC lift the 2010/11 Premiership trophy

Manchester United FC lift the 2010/11 Premiership trophy

Chelsea

After a solid start playing attractive football, slightly atypical of Chelsea in recent years, they collapsed like Dominoes over the winter, plummeting out of the European spots. With little help from their megabucks flop Torres, they mounted a quietly impressive late run from February which, as rivals slipped-up, earned them second place finish, having lost the late top-of-the clash at Old Trafford. Alas, a decent 2nd  place in the league and Quarter-Final exit in the Champions’ league was evidently not enough for the ultra-demanding powers that be. Thus, Ancelotti was given his marching orders.

Stars: The backline has been typically solid, conceding the league’s joint lowest goal tally (with City). In the absence of a ‘20-goal’ forward this season, midfielders have been left to pick up the slacks. Malouda has impressed, bagging a very healthy 13, as has Lampard with 10, though he has not up to his usual stratospheric standards. Kalou has also popped up, often as a sub, to score 10.

Flops: Torres is the obvious, much-ridiculed flop with only 1 goal in his 14 starts, but the whole frontline has struggled to gel, perhaps as a result of too many big egos clashing. Anelka has bagged just 6 from his 32 appearances and Drogba 12; a little disappointing by his own standards. Indeed, arguably, they have all been upstaged by the on-loan Sturridge.

B

£50 million 'flop', Torres.

£50 million 'flop', Torres.

Manchester City

In contrast to the massive egos and transfer fees off the pitch, Manchester City have been steady, solid, yet rarely spectacular on it. At a relatively low 60, their league goals tally lies a good 18 below United’s total, but their parsimony defending goal (joint lowest conceded goals and most clean sheets at 18) has ensured many one and two-nil victories which has brought them the F.A. Cup and Champions league football with their 3rd place finish.

Stars: Of particular mention in their oft-changing rearguard is the ever-present, safe hands of Joe Hart, who has cemented his place as a world-class keeper. Going forward, Yaya Toure has to a large extent justified his astronomical wages with his surging presence and David Silva has often been a creative force. Tevez has had a very good season, being at times scrapping and at times spectactular and ending up as joint top scorer with 21.

Flops: Hard to mention flops with city because, with the size of their squad, they can afford to keep mediocrity (even better) hiding behind the proverbial curtains on the bench (see for one, Shay Given). That said Dzeko hasn’t justified his hefty January price tag, scoring just 2 in his 15 appearances. Undoubtedly entertaining, Balotelli could fit in either category, going as he does from brilliant and talismanic one week, to blundering and uninterested the next.

B

Mercurial Mario Balotelli - 'Super Mario'

Mercurial Mario Balotelli - 'Super Mario'

Arsenal

Arsenal were doing well up until about late February when they were still in serious contention for all four trophies. Then they had the seemingly customary ‘bottle job’ as the wheels fell off and they lost the League Cup final (courtesy of a horrendous, last-minute defensive cock-up), crashed out of the F.A cup and Champions League to the respective superiority of Manchester United and Barcelona and threw away the league too. The latter was largely down to throwing away points at home in goalless draws with Sunderland and Blackburn and the unbelievable draw with Liverpool. In this game, Arsenal scored a 95th minute penalty… only to concede a very clumsy one in the NINETY-NINTH minute which Kuyt converted.

Stars: Nasri had a stellar start to the season, though failed to quite match these astronomical standards upon returning from injury. In his first real season in the first team, Wilshere was very promising, even if his inexperience occasionally showed, especially in his sometimes rash tackling. Van Persie hit the ground running upon his return from injury managing to bag a very impressive 18, considering. Arshavin was intermittently impressive, as was Fabregas when fit.

Flops:  In the long absence of Vermaelen, none of the backline covered themselves in glory, particularly Koscielny and Eboue. Goalkeeper was a particularly problematic position, with newcomer Wojciech Szczesny the best of a bad bunch. Especially in big games, Denilson just isn’t up to the task of ‘enforcer’, which Arsenal so sorely lack a world-class example of. After a good start, Chamakh faded and Bendtner was his usually faltering self.

C-

Arsenal crash out of the Carling Cup in the stoppage time

Arsenal crash out of the Carling Cup in stoppage time

Tottenham Hotspur

Spurs gamely fought for their second Champions League spot in two years, which indeed they occupied at various points of the season. But, perhaps due in part to the mental and physical toll of their European adventures, they were edged out by the literal and financial strength of City.

Stars: Dawson was a consistent presence at the back. Van Der Vaart proved a mere snip at £8m, claiming 9 assists and 13 goals in his 28 starts. Alongside Lennon (who’s recently acquired the ability to cross), skilful Modric and speed-merchant Bale, so electrifying in Europe, Van Der Vaart marshalled a very creative Spurs midfield.

Flops: Gomes, though often brilliant, is still prone to horrific errors, such as the ones he made against Real Madrid and Chelsea. Crouch and Defoe’s respective totals of 4 goals are quite paltry, though the former did link well with the midfield, especially Van Der Vaart, and the latter was injured for much of the season.

B –

Gareth Bale dazzles on the wing against Inter Milan

Gareth Bale dazzles on the wing against Inter Milan

Liverpool

Under Roy Hodgson, Liverpool started the season disastrously, lacking both the creativity and drive necessary for a Champion’s League finish which the club so desperately craves (even feels it has some sort of God-given right to). Indeed, by January, they were languishing not far above the relegation zone. But then, on the 8th of January, Hodgson left and ‘King Kenny’ returned to his beloved Kop! He evidently put some fire back in to the hearts of the players (and fans) as, with the help of the incoming Carroll and Suarez, they subsequently rose up the table to finish in sixth.

Stars: Since his £23m arrival in January, Suarez has proved he is worth every penny, putting in far superior performances to the ones Torres was (and indeed continued to do at Chelsea). His movement is so brilliant that he could probably find space in a telephone box and his touch ain’t bad either (see his trickery to set up Kuyt against United). Kuyt scored 13 and, as ever, was a tireless workhorse all season, whether deployed wide on the right or as an out-and-out striker as he often was before the arrival of Messers Suarez and Carroll. Mereiles and Maxi Rodriquez were two particularly rejuvenated by Dalglish’s return to the Kop. After fairly non-descript starts to the season, their performances improved drastically, going on to score some crucial goals to end with 5 and 10 respectively.

Flops:  It’s hard to really pinpoint where the blame lies for the early-season slump because it seemed like a largely collective malaise. That being said, Joe Cole, admittedly plagued with injuries, seems a shadow of his former self and N’gog has yet to mature into anything resembling a world-class striker.

D+ (E in 2010, A in 2011)

3 of Liverpool's mid-season saviours: 'King' Kenny, Carroll and Suarez

3 of Liverpool's mid-season saviours: 'King' Kenny, Carroll and Suarez

Joel Durston

The Recycla-ballers

In Culture, Opinion, Satire, Sport on June 20, 2011 at 1:27 PM
[Although used to fan mail, this letter bemused Patrick more than most.]

 

This week gave us the new ‘Premier League Free Transfer List’ – a list of all the out-of contract Premiership players . Indeed, the name is actually slightly misleading and may be more accurately termed ‘released players list’. It includes several players who are on the list as ‘free transfers’ as a mere bureaucratic necessity following their decision to retire. This season, examples of such include the revered Edwin Van Der Sar and Paul Scholes, as well as the slightly less revered Gary Neville. The majority of the 125 players on the list, however, are merely those whose contracts have run out and whose services are no longer deemed necessary by the club, or at least not worth the player’s asking price (for wages). Some of these are youngsters who haven’t quite lived up to the expectations of them in their younger years and many are older players who the club feel, essentially, can’t hack it anymore.

In light of the ridiculous sums being spent on players such as Torres and Carroll, the presence of ‘good’, and even some ‘great’(or, at least, once great) players in this list illustrates the strange, even dichotomous, nature of the transfer market. Having been brought up by a mother who often said the classic ‘what about the millions starving in the world’ line, not only to make me and my brother eat our greens, but also as a sincere declaration, the profligacy of the transfer market that the list demonstrates disappoints me a little. It is somewhat analogous to buying a load of shopping and forgetting about a lot of it, leaving it to go past its use by date (admittedly, the analogy falls down as players can be ‘re-used’).

Now, I understand the inherent difficulty of predicting necessary squad numbers and player form, not least in football where teams are so prone to injuries, and that it is unrealistic to ask clubs for too much good will in contracts and playing time for out-of-favour players, especially in these hard economic times. Nonetheless, this wastefulness seems a shame. So, with my dreams of top-flight football and my dear mother’s love of recycling in mind, I resolved to try to make the most of this situation by creating a team of such players, based around the great Patrick Vieira, as suggested by a friend. Thus, the idea for ‘The Recycla-ballers’ was born….

Joel Durston
Recycla-ballers Headquarters
34 Recycle Lane
Brighton
Sussex
BN1 1TR

Dear Patrick Vieira,
Let me start by me saying that, as a fan of Arsenal and indeed football, I am a great admirer of yours. Your constant talismanic presence and sometime leadership has been a joy and inspiration to watch, especially during your time in the ‘Invincibles’-era Arsenal team. Yes, there have been a few mistimed challenges which have resulted in early baths, but I’m sure these have all been honest attempts for the ball as I get the distinct impression you are a good sportsman and a positive role model. Indeed, it is because of your honourable humanitarian work and position as FAO Goodwill Ambassador that I believe you will find my new venture, ‘The Recycla-ballers’, of interest.

‘The Recycla-ballers’ is an idea that sprang from a conversation with a friend, and now business partner, Jamie Walker, about the new Premiership Free Transfer List, which I was shocked to see that you were on. However, I feel this idea may provide solace. After seeing great names on this list, we came up with the idea of creating a football team out of all these players, whose services have been deemed tragically no longer necessary by their erstwhile owners.

The reasons for this are threefold. Of course, I would be lying if I made out this venture was entirely selfless, as, like 95% of males, it has always been my dream to play top-flight football which this opportunity affords. The second reason is to revitalise the careers of great players such as yourself, which have been cut short in their twilight, seemingly just because their former owners are too short-sighted to see the simple truth that ‘form is temporary; class is permanent’. Perhaps most important though is the pioneering role (in football at least) the team will play in promoting sustainability. By its very nature, this team, if successful, will prove that clubs need not obtain new players through extortionate sums which have pushed top-flight football to breaking point and priced many honest fans out of the game. Furthermore, on a more general level, I envisage the team will promote the need for sustainability and recycling, which are of course both extremely important in our world, where global warming is unfortunately such an issue.

As such, the team will be non-profit. I envisage it will be financed by different companies and organisations who want to partner us in delivering our powerful message. We would probably have to start off in a low division in the Brighton, Hove & District Football League (where I am currently resident), but I am confident with the quality we would have we would rise up the leagues quickly. Indeed, my cousin’s team were only founded a few years ago and recently promoted several divisions due to the ease with which they were beating their rivals. As we do this, the awareness and support of ‘The Recycla-ballers’ would no doubt grow exponentially. Due to the project’s organic roots, I would be a liar if I said you would not have to take a bit of a pay cut from what you were on at Manchester City. I was hoping, however, you would want to do this for the unique, powerful message it could send the world of football and indeed the world in general. Besides, Brighton’s nearer to France and nicer than Manchester…

Well, now you’re probably thinking ‘that’s great ‘n’ all, but sacré bleu… who in Zidane’s name is gonna play?!’ Ah well dear Patrick, you will not be disappointed there. I am currently in the process of writing to other prospective players for what I am confident will be a great team. In goal we could have Richard Kingson – vice-captain and most capped player for Ghana. One can only assume he was released due to the usually spot-on Ian Holloway misattributing the blame for Blackpool’s recently leaky defence. In fact, Richard did very well to emerge from the season with his stellar reputation largely intact, considering.

At full-back we should have both Jlloyd Samuel and Ricardo Gardner; both very solid defenders short-sightedly overlooked in their twilight by Owen Coyle. As for centre back, I am in correspondence with Matthew Upson and Jonathan Woodgate; both superb centre-halves with strong domestic records and 29 England caps between them – a figure which would no doubt be much higher were it not for injuries which have unfortunately plagued both their careers, particularly Woodgate’s. Both are fighting fit now, however, and would provide a super-solid foundation to the team.

In midfield, we could have Zolta Gera and your good friend Robert Pires rolling back the years on the wings and myself and you in the middle of the park. Coming from an extremely competitive football hotbed as a kid, I was, alas, overlooked by professional scouts, but have since forged a successful domestic track record with great teams such as Inter Mias, The Business F.C and Gape Athletic. Being a team player, I have played in many different positions, even a season as keeper, but see myself best fitting in to ‘The Recyclables’ as a player-manager in the middle. I may not be the quickest, or even the strongest, but I have the vision, intelligence and also a bit of trickery á la one Juan Román Riquelme. With your fine self, in the words of the Ian Holloway, carrying the piano and myself playing it, we could forge a great partnership similar to the one you did with Freddie Ljunberg in the ‘Invincibles’ team.

As for the strikers, I was hoping to get Johan Elmander, but he went to Galatarasay. I am, though, hoping to get John Carew to partner the aforementioned Jamie Walker. I feel these two could form a great partnership, with John Carew’s strength and aerial presence a perfect foil for the self-proclaimed ‘short powerhouse of a goalscoring prodigy’ that Walker undoubtedly is. Hopefully, the remaining squad positions will be filled by Dean Kiely, Marcus Hahnemann, Jody Craddock, Danny Gabbidon, Jonathan Spector, Jason Koumas, James McFadden, Lee Bowyer, Nigel Reo-Coker, Sebastian Larsson, Kevin Phillips and Mwaruwari Benjani.

As I say, I am currently in correspondence with the players mentioned above and prospective media partners (which I cannot name at present for legal reasons), but I am writing to you Patrick in this project’s infancy because I feel you could act as a catalyst for this pioneering project. Your involvement in the team would of course be fantastic, but any help, contacts or advice you could offer would be invaluable too.

Yours sincerely,

Joel Durston.