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Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Brits are too boring to spy on, intelligence officer reveals

In Satire on June 10, 2013 at 6:45 PM

Britons worried that British intelligence agencies are engaging in similar practice to that exposed in the current Prism scandal in America may be relieved, if slightly put back, by a new revelation exposed by TAY – we’re just too boring too monitor.

 

The comments come from former MI5 employees Brian Meadows (not his real name), and refer to a short period when, Mr Meadows claims, MI5 was legally granted especially wide-ranging access to data on people’s phone calls, emails and ‘private’ space on the internet.

 

In the same time – the “dummy run”, as it was known – staff on Operation Snoop were also under orders to monitor public space on the internet for possible extremism.

 

Mr Meadows said: “I don’t know what all this fuss is about Prism really – having done it, I can assure you, very few people have anything interesting enough for MI5 to take much notice of.”

 

On the experience of the two-week period, Mr Meadows said: “It was just hell. Minute after minute, hour after hour of mind-numbing shit. This country used to run the world – and now we’re laughing at pictures of cats, idolising the Kardashians and obsessing about how winky faces should be interpreted.

 

“And the hashtags…dear god the hashtags…I was monitoring Twitter for a bit.

 

“To be honest, I came away thinking the….what are they called….Beliebers, pose more of a threat to society than any terrorists could ever do.”

 

Mr Meadows also disclosed other employees’ tasks during this period.

 

He said: “I didn’t envy Steve (name changed) going over Youtube either. He said he came away with a new found knowledge for ways one’s mother can be whore and of the “flexibility of English grammar”.

 

“Another said that if he saw one more duck-face or person complaining about the completely inevitable effects of drinking, he might go and top someone himself.

 

“A few people were even put on Instagram-watch. God knows what they’re going find there…some gym junkie hiding a bomb in his ‘rock-hard’ pecs, or someone’s risotto posted for dinner containing hidden extremist messages…?

 

“And, on top of all the tedium, I just had this nagging feeling it was all just a little bit pointless. If you’re planning to blow something up, why would you do it over Facebook?

 

“How stupid are these lunatics? Anyone who’s watched even one episode of Homeland knows terrorists speak in person.

 

“Me and my colleague joked – or half-joked – that it would be more efficient to just go out in Brick Lane, get a bit rowdy, maybe even have the birds on reception get their tits out, to try and draw some religious nutters out.

 

“A weird kind of honeytrap, if you will,” he added with a wry smile.

 

And, referring to Muslim Patrol, he added: “In fact, since we had that conversation, it seems these loons might just walk right into our hands anyway!”

The Mayans weren’t really wrong…just four days out

In Satire on December 25, 2012 at 10:37 AM

Husband and wives up and down the country are preparing for possible apocalypse today, as they face the visit of the dreaded in-laws.

It is thought that age-old familial rows – given around 364 days, unspoken of, to fester – could re-erupt in a way so cataclysmic, they bring the old world down with them or create an atmosphere so icily tense that the whole planet is plunged into another ice age – or at the very least result in some smashed plates and crying children.

Many were hoping that the Mayan apocalypse, predicted four days ago, would be an easy get out clause. Alas, they are still here, and must face their fate head on. Like Tom Saunders, husband and father of three from Enfield.

He said: “I thought with all this apocalypse malarkey we might escape my family’s visit this Christmas, but those stupid bloody Mexicans obviously cocked it up.

“Maybe there was workie working on the ‘end of the world’ side of things in the admin team at the time or something…

“Who knows; maybe there’ll be an apocalypse this Christmas Day at 17 Raleigh Road! At least it would stop the missuses (missi?!) from squabbling about parenting and the awkward silences.

“See you’ve got to be tactical with these experiences; suppress all negative emotion with copious amounts of brandy and divert potentially dangerous talk of anything meaningful with football chat.

“Oh, and ensure the kids are effectively comatose by plonking them in front of the TV and plying them with amounts of chocolates socially unacceptable at any other time of year.”

James Saunders-Plattell, Tom’s brother, said he thought similarly, as Christmas should not be about “petty bickering” – but a nice four-day break from work to see “the little one” and get “rather bladdered”.

The wives are rather less carefree about the situation, though.

Jenny Saunders, Tom’s wife, said: “Again, my sister- and brother-in-law are coming, and she’s always going on about how ‘quaint’ and ‘homely’ our ‘abode’ is, by which I know – am sure of it – she means small and dirty, and wants to leave there as soon as possible.

“But she can’t, as we’re both locked into this faux bonhomie by our husbands, who are brothers. I don’t even know how they’re still close; my husband’s a Labour-voting music teacher and his brother works in hedge funds and uses the Economist as toilet reading. Booze, sport and nostalgia obviously count for a lot.”

“News alert: we can’t all be ‘senior brand positioning executives’ in the City, Priscilla! Some of us actually have to raise our kids, not just pack them off to St Paul’s for 20 grand a year.

“I swear if she goes on one more time about how Genevieve has just got grade 7 piano…debated at the Youth parliament…or I, don’t know, saved endangered birds on the Galapogos Islands, I think I’m going to snap.”

Ever the publication for hard-hitting, yet balanced investigative journalism, TAY sought out the sister-in-law in question, Priscilla Saunders-Plattell, for comment on her experience of Christmases at the Thomas household.

She said: “I’m not going to lie, it’s not where we would usually socialise, but James and I are very polite and take an interest in all the things they’re doing, even if it sometimes bores us to tears or we know next to nothing of what their talking about.

“Last year, I spent a whole afternoon getting up to speed with that series of the X-Factor and finding out about the goings-on of the Premiership!

“But whatever we do just doesn’t seem enough for Jenny; she’s obviously got this huge chip on her shoulder that we make a good living.

“It would help if she wasn’t so bloody proud and just let us do Christmas at ours more often.

“And then you’ve got their mum over in the corner, boring everyone to death about her book club.

“At least we can – just about – sweep our issues under the carpet for a day a year, and our husbands and kids seem to get on alright. That’s what the Christmas spirit is about really, isn’t it – being with people you don’t really like and have nothing in common with yet grinning and bearing it …”

Joel Durston

‘Pollio’ outbreak across the US

In Satire on November 13, 2012 at 9:27 AM

A week after the US election, a new virus is spreading across the United States of America.

‘Pollio’, as scientists are calling it, is a condition where people have an obsessive capacity to canvas other’s opinions, and is now evident to some degree in nearly all American states.

Scientists believe the condition can largely be attributed to withdrawal systems experienced by those who got hooked by the relentless statistical analysis of the US election.

This was a huge part in the election for both parties, news channels and the seemingly omniscient, almighty Nate Silver; but particularly the Democrats who this year made 125 million phone calls to voters and did 700,000 canvassing shifts.

Tom Adamson, scientist from The Institute of Science and Stuff, said: “such a rapid change from there being an election, and one which would ‘change the fate of the world’,  to there not being one has been very traumatic for some people.

“Particularly, we have found, for a certain type of man, usually in his forties, who wears glasses and tweed jumpers, has an alphabeticised record collection and keeps an Excel spreadsheet of his monthly outgoings.”

He went on to explain that pollio is affecting pollsters and strategy geeks of all classes and political persuasions.

“Some of the more gregarious pollsters can be seen on any market square, clipboard in hand, waiting to prey on the next unsuspecting poll-ee – but a lot just congregate on 4chan,” he said.

“Pollsters from both parties try to draw the people in with nice light questions about sport or the X Factor, but then bring on the politics.

“Democrats typically ask very right-on questions about redistributive taxation and social rights. And Republicans typically ask very leading questions such as ‘do you want your taxes paying for an unemployed person’s house?’ ‘is Obama a dirty Muslim?’ or ‘is this country to become even more of a European socialist hell-hole under Obama now?’

“Some are so obsessed about canvassing they just ask about what cereal people had in the morning, and one apparently got really self-reverential and asked if people like him were polling people too much.”

Most then use this data for their blogs, which they endlessly tweet about, and some even send them to the high lord of stats, Nate Silver, in the hope of approval or even a job.

Also, this week British policy group, Think-tank Thinking About Think-tanks, published a report entitled Demographics and Political Strategy and That Kind of Stuff, which explored this growing political trend.

Lead researcher, Nida Propajob, said: “this trend, which we are calling the statistisation of society, has its origin in myriad causes, but chief among them is popular television.

“Stats used to be the preserve of the kind of people who consider The Economist toilet reading, but with the advent of X-Factor voting and colourful graphics and stat-boxes on sports broadcasting, everyone thinks they’re the next Jon Snow.

A colleague at the think-tank, Simon Cooper, offered a more scathing view of the findings. He said: “Well, this all clearly shows democracy has eaten itself. Twitter and Facebook make everyone feel they’re groundbreaking thinkers and prophetic soothsayers, but really, they’re just idiots. I’m going to live in China.”

“John Motson’s got a lot to answer for!’”

Joel Durston

Toynbee toying with the Tories

In Satire on November 7, 2012 at 9:30 PM

Journalist Polly Toynbee has been receiving illicit payments from the Conservative party, who she regularly derides in her Guardian columns, leaked emails seen by TAY reveal.

In what could prove career-ending revelations, the emails, between her and a Conservative minister, detail payments of around £1,000 for two or three articles a week in a mutually beneficial agreement.

The Conservative minister said to the columnist: “Your precious, self-righteous whines masquerading as commonsensical, everyman journalism have been instrumental in allowing us to paint opposition to our austerity measures as confined to merely couscous-eating middle-class professionals who get offended on behalf of others and poncho-wearing Occupy freaks who rail capitalism having never done an honest day’s work in their life”.

He also went on to praise the journalist’s overall commitment to the ruse, including her political campaigning and regularly-used Twitter profile and even public spats with spats with the Conservative party which led to a typically effusive statement from Boris Johnson.

“[Toynbee] incarnates all the nannying, high-taxing, high-spending schoolmarminess of Blair’s Britain. Polly is the high priestess of our paranoid, mollycoddled, risk-averse, airbagged, booster-seated culture of political correctness and ‘elf ‘n’ safety fascism,” he said.

And on the other side of the leaked correspondence, Polly Toynbee thanked the Conservative minister for their “continued hard-line but common-sense policies” as they played into the “trite and clichéd image” the Tories have, despite austerity being necessary at least to some degree because of Labour’s “nice but naive policies under the last administration”.

She said: “This political atmosphere allows me, as a half-decent writer, to spew out some half-baked rubbish implying that the state should solve all of society’s ills and then bathe in all the adulation of those that think I’m the ‘voice of the voiceless’ (Seriously, does anyone ‘voiceless’ really read the Guardian?! They do have that thing called ‘X-Factor’ for that, I believe, don’t they?!)

“I thought people might start raising suspicions about my real motives once I started plugging my new book at the end of every article, but surprisingly not (or at least not very much). My kids’ private education and the villa in Tuscany don’t pay for themselves you know…and mere Guardian wages certainly don’t, not even for me.”

Joel Durston

FA planning sinister brain implants

In Satire, Sport on October 12, 2012 at 1:30 PM

St George’s Park, the new £105m national football training centre, is secretly being used to pioneer brain implants to administer to prospective England players, TAY can exclusively reveal.

The centre is intended to be a world-class training facility to identify and train talent at all ranks of English football.

But our reporter, at the launch this week, exposed the shocking true motives for the centre, secretly recording a conversation between two scientists.

While collecting a stray ball from a journalists’ kickabout, he heard voices speaking through the wall and, as anyone good journo would do, listened in, excusing himself from the kickabout when he started to hear scandalous revelations on the centre’s true purpose.

One man speaking on the taped conversation revealed: “The money is just a ruse. Do you really think you need a hundred million bloody pounds to build some football pitches, a canteen and some jacuzzis?! I mean it’s nice, but c’mon…”

He went on to explain to another man, seemingly a new recruit to the project, how the real purpose was for the development of sinister new monitoring of players’ behaviour and lifestyle, with the intention of using findings for behavioural therapy to ameliorate the much damaged view of footballers, football authorities and the English national team.

And, in shocking revelations, he even claimed some players might be subject to new brain implants (which leave football ability intact) that they are very close to having pioneered, which make players less troublesome and more compliant.

The news follows the unveiling of a new code of conduct for current England players – a response to recent scandal surrounding the investigations into John Terry’s alleged racism, and social media hysteria about selection policy

He explained: “Think about it – we’ve been mediocre as a footballing force for so long that people are kind of resigned to that.

“Just get to some quarter finals and unluckily go out on penalties, get the odd big win against the Frogs or the Krauts and, especially with the success of the Premier League, we can just about kid ourselves we’re still a major international force, just perennially unlucky –despite the fact that supposed misfortune would surely have averaged out over THIRTY-SIX BLOODY YEARS [the time since England last won a major tournament]…

“No, what people are really so disillusioned about is this mediocrity compounded with players who are, or at least they think to be, c***s.”

He explained how, as with film stars and rock stars, no one really cares if their heroes are “wankers” so long as they are talented, indeed that it can actually boost the appeal, but the same decadent traits are poisonous when married to the “unrelenting mediocrity of English football we are bombarded with ”.

He added that the success of the Olympics – “decent people doing well” – great as it was, exacerbated the problem.

All Under-19 England players will undergo several “media training” sessions – some personal, some as a team – and a thorough ‘personality test’, under the auspices of beneficial career advice and determining suitable roommates.

But the actual primary purpose of these measures is to determine the extent of the need for behavioural therapy for players, or even brain implants, to ultimately avoid scandal for the FA (apparently not so much the players themselves, though – “if the media wasn’t on our backs like fucking leeches, we wouldn’t really give a shit what trouble some idiot from Salford does”).

The FA declined to comment.

 

We imagined what the test might look like:

1. Which most accurately describes your leisure activities?

A. Visiting art galleries, watching arthouse films, salsa.

B. Meeting mates, seeing the family, watching TV, playing Call of Duty and FIFA.

C. Getting drunk with the lads.

D. Chirpsing, cotchin’ and getting crunk.

 

2. Imagine, if you are not anyway, that you are single and in a club with your teammates. An attractive but clearly quite drunk young lady walks up to you and praises you for your performance in your last match. Do you?

A. Thank the young lady and converse with the young lady, finding out what she is like and what she does, but making it clear to her that if she has any “amorous intentions” she will disappointed. This is because you have a rule against that kind of thing when you are “dragged along” to a club by your teammates, due to the “fleeting and sordid” nature of such alcohol-influenced attachments and the perils of the “vulture-ish media and prying eyes of the public” damaging the image of the game.

B. Talk to the girl, end up kissing her and swapping numbers – but making it clear that, while you like her, you won’t take it any further until you’ve seen her a few more times and gained her trust because, “unfortunately”, you are wary of, as a time before, pictures and stories splashed in the tabloids. (Partly a genuine worry; partly a subtle request to her to be discreet).

C. Chat the girl up, end up going home with her (with your trusted cabbie, of course), while demanding several times she doesn’t sell her story to “those fucking scummy hacks”.

D. Start flirting outrageously with her from the off, aiming to be in the club toilets with her within five minutes.

 

3. Which of the below most accurately describes your views on gay marriage?

A. Passionately in favour. Love is beautiful thing and, in a true democracy, should be allowed to flourish by anyone fortunate enough to be blessed by it.

B. In favour. Don’t see a reason gay people shouldn’t be allowed to be as miserable as the rest of us.

C. Errrrm, ok, as long as they shove it anyone’s faces.

D. Weird. What’s wrong with pussy, man?! And won’t this means that AIDS will spread…

 

4. Which of the below most accurately describes your views on the EU?

A.  In favour. It has its negatives but the aim of greater political and economic consensus is a noble, and generally beneficial, one.

B. Dunno really. It’s a tough one. I hear it creates a lot of business, but it’s bloody expensive and they have some stupid regulations.

C.  It’s bollocks. Too many bloody foreign bureaucrats meddling in our business, and getting paid loads for it too.

D. The what?! Oh yeah, that thing…errr, I don’t really do politics, geez.

 

5. Which of the below most accurately describes your current relationship status?

A. Blissfully in love.

B. Single and looking for a relationship if you find the right person OR been going out with someone for a while and it’s going pretty well; just taking each day as it comes.

C. Single; you want to have fun while you’re young.

D. ‘On the prowl’

 

6. A bloke comes up to you in a club, clearly pissed, fairly aggressive saying you were “shit” last week. Do you…

A. Try to engage the chap in a epistemological discussion on the nature of perception, of which you believe society, and it seems him, has an overly restrictive view.

B. Admit that it wasn’t your best game, but state you will put it right next game.

C. Proudly defend yourself by citing your record of goals and assists record for that season.

D. Declare that the man is “talking shit”, list all your footballing and sexual achievements, and then aggressively question what said man has ever done with his life, while preparing yourself for a possible fight.

 

7. Football is…

A. A wonderful pastime which brings people together and fosters togetherness and inclusion between different people.

B. Dunno. Never really thought about it. A good game, I suppose.

C. A great sport, and cracking banter with the lads.

D. Something to show your tekkers and pull the honeyz.

 

8. Your fairly serious girlfriend confesses to you that she has been seeing another man for a while but that it is over, she regrets and still loves you. Do you?

A. Thank her for her honesty and sincerity; state that you are disappointed she broke your trust; discuss reasonably what led to her to the cheating; suggest how, despite no allusions to such from her, her actions represent a statement against the  “oppressive and outdated societal norm of monogamy”; and explore the possibility of an open relationship.

B. Call her a bitch, walk out of the room and say you need some time to think.

C. Call her a slut, leave the room slamming the door, call the lads for an emergency booze up and hit the town, aiming to pull a girl and send your (now undeniably ex-) girlfriend a spiteful picture message of the conquest (if fit enough to prove a point) in the morning.

D. Call her a “fuckin’ money-grabbing whore”, leave the room slamming the door, mouth off about her on several tweets tagging her and her friends (who you have had an eye on anyway) hoping for moral vindication, with a view to bedding said friends and sending your (now undeniably ex-) girlfriend – and everyone else –pictorial evidence of the revenge on social media.

 

9. Which of the below most accurately describes your diet?

A. I like to cook a wide range of foods from across the globe, so long as there’s no meat. I’m cooking a lot of Lebanese food at present.

B. Just normal stuff really. Try to eat healthy because of the job obviously; pasta, chicken, fish and stuff and I must admit some pizza and ready meals and stuff sometimes.

C. Whatever the woman cooks – or takeaways.

D. “The Holy Trinity” – Maccy D’s, Burger King and KFC.

 

10. Which of the below most accurately describes your view of the FA?

A. A bit bureaucratic and hierarchical, but generally for a noble purpose.

B. Good, I suppose.

C. Some of ‘em are decent, but a load of bloody jumped-up bureaucrats intruding in our business because they’re jealous they never had any tekkers.

D. Wankers; always complaining about me and fining me cos I speaks my mind and live my life.

 

11. Which of the below most accurately describes your taste in music?

A. Nu-jazz, pyschadelica, post-funk. Don’t like too much in the charts. World music and classical.

B. A bit of everything really. You listen to Radio 1 on the way to training.

C. Dance and rap mostly.

D. Rap and grime. You do your own raps actually.

 

12. You have just come in to your club to have a meeting with the manager and are told to wait in the little room outside his office. There is a selection of papers on the table. Do you?

A. Pick up The Guardian and start reading it front to back.

B. Have a quick scan of the front pages, then turn to the back pages and see what takes your interest.

C. Pick up The Sun, have a look at pages 1 and 3, then turn to the back page.

D. You don’t read papers as you don’t “do all that political shit” and “journalists are lying c***s”. Instead you are playing Angry Birds and messaging some ‘honeyz’.

 

13. Your club offers you a new contract and you think you deserve more than the than they offered. Do you?

A. Consider that money is only a means to an end, you are in a very privileged position, and you are happy with your life, so accept the contract while politely asking if the club can pay an extra £5,000 a week, which you feel you ‘deserve’, to charity in your and their name.

B. Discuss with your agent that it is not great, but that you are otherwise happy at the club and therefore resolve to go into further negotiations reasonably, with the idea that you will ultimately take the contract regardless.

C. Immediately get on the blower to your agent and express your displeasure and get him to say the “bloody pen-pushers” that a lot of other clubs would pay more…

D. Immediately call up the manager and start abusing him for his “disgrace of an offer” and bragging about your talents, tweet about your anger under the hashtag #disgrace, call up that journo friend of yours at The Sun to get the story out to attract potential buyers, and call up Fergie to see what he can offer you…

 

The results

Mostly As – Obviously a very cultured, politically engaged individual, and likely to deal with the viccisitudes of top-level football, and all the crap that goes with it, with equanimity many don’t possess. Only problem is, he might just be a bit too cultured and intellectual to really get on with his teammates if he makes it to England level.

Mostly Bs – No issues here; balanced in his opinions, level-headed enough to deal with the responsibility and potential pitfalls of fame, but not averse to a few laughs. Normal lad, all in all.

Mostly Cs – A bit gauche for some people, perhaps, but not a bad bloke. Potentially a bit rash in his judgements and decision-making, so could lead to a bit of media trouble, but should be ok with a bit of intensive “media training”.

Mostly Ds – An Ashley Cole in the making. Lobotomise the moron.

Joel Durston

The Real Notting Hill Carnival?

In Satire on August 27, 2012 at 12:52 PM

Notting Hill residents angered by the “debauched revelry” happening on their doorsteps are planning a “comeback festival” in Hackney, TAY can exclusively reveal.

The Notting Hill Carnival saw 299 arrests this year – a figure up on last year – amongst loud music, traffic and public transport disruption, along with a range of other behaviour that many residents of the largely upmarket, upper middle class area disapproved of.

So, during these festivities, hundreds of Notting Hill-ers were secretly planning a “comeback festival”, which our sources suggest could happen this weekend.

Jamie Smith, a 45-year-old going under a pseudonym, said: “some are us are well and truly sick of the riff raff that annually comes into our treasured community, causing public disorder, disrupting public transport and besmirching its good name with hellish, soulless music, gaudy dancing and god knows what else.

“Quite why this happens in our community is beyond us when it is so uncharacteristic of Notting Hill’s normal character.

“So we have resolved not to take this erosion of cultural values lightly, and will stage our own festival in what I believe to be many of these revellers’ backyard, Hackney.”

Mr Smith was unwilling to go into specifics of the festival but TAY has learnt from other sources what events are likely to be involved.

It is believed the likes of Adele, Coldplay, Moby and Norah Jones will play from loud speakers on the streets, causing awkward semi-dancing from festival-goers; long tables with Habitat cutlery will recreate a dinner party feel; organic potato salad, tofu kebabs and cous-cous with pesto or humus will be sold at every corner; and many stalls will promote new business ventures, private schools and morally dubious tax avoidance schemes.

There may also be several cases of people, at the smallest invitation, whipping out business cards from pockets – a practice which will no doubt raise some eyebrows.

Several Hackney residents TAY spoke to about the possibility of the festival suspected that, if it did go ahead, it may exclude the local community.

But Jamie Smith rebuffed the claims, stating “the event will be for everyone … provided of course they earn over £30,000 and vote Tory”.

Joel Durston

A U-turn to End All U-turns?

In Satire on June 3, 2012 at 4:31 PM

With the news of the government’s most recent U-turn, regarding plans to set a maximum cap on philanthropic donations, David Cameron has sensationally announced a U-turn on U-turns, TAY can reveal.

The news follows several about-turns this week – on pasties, static caravans, secret trials evidence, and buzzard killing.  Mr Cameron said: “In tough times, like this, we need strong governance, and after careful consideration we have decided to deliver what we actually propose to…pinky promise.

“The thing is, it’s hard to rule a country when some of those in power are Draco Malfoys and some of them are Neville Longbottoms.

“For instance, just law week, we went on a team bonding exercise to see that clever fellow Ali G’s new motion picture, The Dictator, I believe it’s called.

“All the Lib Dems thought it was a shocking, dangerous piece of cinema which needed to be censored immediately; and all the Tories found it spot on and bloody hilarious, some backbenchers even thinking Admiral General Aladeen was a bit soft.”

The Prime Minister went on to speak of all the consequent troubles of deciding Coalition policy – citing House of Lords reform as a bone he threw Clegg to chew – and other tough decisions in Parliament such as what is a reasonable proportion of tea rounds for Nick to do.

He admitted that this discord had led to some policy proposals being decided by rock-paper-scissors (“proportionally weighted – we may often be considered bastards, us Conservatives, but to our grave we are fair bastards”).

And, in a potentially damning revelation for the government, he admitted the pasty tax was such a parliamentary hot potato that it was decided by a magic 8-ball.

“We were just at a complete and utter impasse,” he said. “It seemed the fairest way to leave it up to the political gods.”
“The first time it said ‘focus and ask again; and the second, ‘as I see it, yes’. If that’s not a ringing endorsement, then, I’m not quite sure what is!”

Tory Party members are quick to remind people that after proposals they carefully listened to the press and public and changed their mind in line with the consensus, but opposition leaders are claiming that this should not have needed to happen in the first place.

Labour leader, Ed Milliband, said: “These U-turns have once again shown David Cameron to be indecisive, misguided and, well, quite frankly, a wet blanket. This country, in times of harsh recession brought about by the nasty Tories and sycophantic Lib Dems, needs the strong, decisive leadership that a Labour government would present.”

However, when pressed on what his policy would be on the matters at hand, he merely proceeded to offer the same statement in about 17 different grammatical forms.

Meanwhile, newspapers editors were gleefully rubbing their hands at how much they could influence government.

The Sun’s Editor said: “It’s great; it’s like playing with little figures on a political version of Risk.

“Just chuck in a letter or two from Barry in Scunthorpe and Nora from Derby, ranting about how ‘rich’ Tories, who have ‘probably never ate a pasty in their life’, don’t understand the plight of the working man or woman, and they’re putty in your hands; slaves to your agenda.”

Adding, as he patted a little framed picture of David Cameron, “isn’t that right, Dave?!”

Joel Durston

The Blue Peter Badge Conspiracy

In Satire on April 16, 2012 at 1:17 PM

The protester who disrupted the Oxford-Cambridge Boat Race is now planning an on-air hjacking of children’s TV show Blue Peter, TAY can exclusively reveal.

An anonymous source says Trenton Oldfield, 35, is planning to break into BBC Television Centre and interrupt the live broadcast of an episode in late May.

Once on air, he plans to give a speech about how Blue Peter is a “modern-day Marxist conspiracy from self-elected plutocrats  to distract children from the harsh realities of the evil regime they run with pretty images of sheep and cake bakes”.

He also plans to “illuminate” children into the “dark, sinister truth” about Blue Peter badges.

Ostensibly, the badges are little symbols of recognition for good deeds and/or appearing on the show. But, we can reveal, to Oldfield they are “pocket-sized emblems of servitude to the corrupt bourgeoisie, earned not through hard graft or talent, but happenstance and sycophancy; a cynical means of ingratiating innocent minds into a cruel system of conformity and subservience to the elite”.

This is done, our source adds, with free exclusive events – cynical yet simple Pavlovian psychology employed by all this government’s idols – Stalin, Hitler, Mussolini. The list goes on.

Our source recalled a conversation with Oldfield in which he said: “The government cynically target children, infecting their minds early, because they are more likely to – and indeed do – fall for this grand capitalist smokes-and-mirrors act masquerading as a TV show. Don’t be fooled, honourable comrades.”

In a mocking tone, he added: “Oooh, so little Jimmy’s written a letter – badly punctuated, I may add – saying how nice the museum you visited was, which happened to get read out on the show, and now he’s got a badge, so is part of the apparatchik of division.

“Are these people really too blind to see, for example, that this is a big cover up by Cameron and all his fat-cat cronies to hide the fact that they have severely reduced museum funding – as with arts in general – in the past year. Thus rendering art merely for those one whose silver spoons are so far in their mouths it is currently exiting their oesophagi, in a typically self-perpetuating cycle of trans-national-politico-socio-ultra elitism?!

“The ship symbolism also clearly harks back to Britain’s naval, imperialist past, which is still not that far away when you come to think of it, with the scandalous clinging on to the anachronistic military outpost the Falklands and the domestic slavery to which the elite condemn us.

“These kids need to put down the Frosties and take a good, hard bite of reality – cornflakes, the honest, proletarian man’s choice of cereal.”

When asked about the prospect of security coming in to close the show, he admitted that it is a risk but that this may only serve to better highlight his cause, as he gains sympathy for his blog when he is being pulled off by the “Stasi”.

The news comes amidst other security concerns for the Olympics. On 10 April, four were arrested for occupying the Olympic basketball centre and preventing a lorry accessing the site, and it is feared there may be similar protests at the Olympic Torch Relay.

Also, angered by the choice of sponsors such as BP, Rio Tinto and Dow Chemical, a coalition of protest groups are awarding the “Greenwash gold medal” to the Olympic sponsor that voters choose to be the most unethical.

In a final plea, Oldfield said: “I urge all you good children of Britain to renounce the despicable elitism of the Blue Peter badge in the name of democracy, and ensure your future in a free, just society, devoid of all those baddies you read about in your fairy tales…”

(Ed: I guess this society has all of us riding on the back of unicorns whilst simultaneously having a threesome with Megan Fox and Rihanna…)

(Ed: And didn’t this guy go to a private school in a wealthy Sydney suburb and study a PhD at a top (elite?!) English university, London School of Economics?!)

Joel Durston

easyJet Becomes Even Easier

In Satire on April 5, 2012 at 3:04 AM

TAY can exclusively reveal that budget airline, easyJet, will trial flights which do not properly stop at airports, with surcharges for those wishing to disembark in the traditional manner.

Having been given the go-ahead by the British Aviation Authority (BAA), who are strapped for cash in the midst of the economic downturn and proposed tax increases, easyJet’s trial will take place on selected flights from Manchester Airport, following market research which executives claim support the plans.

The no-frills airline, already notorious for additional fares for exceeding stringent baggage weight limits, will introduce ‘hop on’ services which will slow down to a brisk walking pace at airports but not stop.

Chief executive Officer Carolyn McCall said: “after doing the market research, we have found that, in economically tough times, people are willing to sacrifice a little bit of comfort for affordable prices.

“Similar modes of boarding transport are used all across the third world with no problem so we see no reason not to offer something similar in aviation.

“We are also facing very tough times in the aviation industry, as proposed hikes to Air Passenger Duty mean we are face with even more financially straitened times.

“We are by no means compromising on safety, though.”

Chief executives say the plans will boost efficiency by up to 1000%, as planes will not have to stop for hours at an airport for “cumbersome, bureaucratic, inefficient red tape” such as health and safety checks and cleaning.

The route taken by the trial flights – one easyJet forsees as a trademark; “just like the Northern Line” – is Manchester Airport; to popular budget flight airport, Gatwick; to the ‘City of Love’, Paris; to Toulouse; to Barcelona; to Alicante and finally to Costa Del Sol hotspot, Malaga.

On ‘hop on’ services, there will be a designated ‘quick exit period’, signalled by alarm from the pilot. In this time, passengers departing the aircraft will be expected to jump off the plane into a ‘landing zone’ from a height of around 5 metres and a speed of around 8 miles per hour.

Mrs McCall says customers should not be worried, because even if the trial is successful customers may still opt for the “luxury” of planes that stop at airports (at a premium).

“We are leading an aviation revolution,” she added.

Cabin crews have undergone training on how to prepare passengers to safely depart using the barrel roll procedure.

One member of the cabin crew participating in the trials, Jason Jolly, said: “Weeellll, it makes a change from our usual routine of performing our silent Steps’ dance routine, which I adddooorreee B…T…W., over an anonymous autocue. But we have got SUCH a great team I think we can rock these new grooves!”

Passengers expecting to board will do so in the ‘quick entry period’ which will occur after leaving passengers have departed the plane.

These passengers will be instructed by a boarding manager to run in the warm up area parallel to the plane’s path, and then, at a certain point, run up the boarding ramp which trails from the back of the plane.

“So, as well as being affordable, customers will get the chance to feel like they are in an action movie!”

However, the Health and Safety Executive has expressed doubts at the safety of the planes. They, along with others, are investigating the legality of the venture which exonerates the airline from any damages if passengers are not actually in the plane (with the boarding ramp not constituting ‘the premises of the plane’).

This means easyJet are, currently at least, exempt from any liability arising from injuries suffered while landing in the boarding zone or attempting to board.

A Health and Safety Executive spokesman anonymously said: “What next?! People parachuting out of planes in the same region of the airport in the personal vain hope – and corporate disinterest – of landing at the airport?!”

EasyJet are also playing up the green credentials of the move, which will not waste as much fuel in having to get as many planes launched.

TAY can further reveal competing airline, Ryanair, are planning to fight back by offering ‘super-saver’ flights with standing-only and/or trainee pilots operating the planes.

Joel Durston

The Novice’s Guide to Surviving Football Conversations

In Satire on March 5, 2012 at 3:20 PM

Football is so ubiquitous now that, in certain circles at least, particularly male ones, professing not to take an interest in it is tantamount to saying one doesn’t shower or never gives to charity: an indication that one is somehow deficient, rather than a grown adult making an informed decision. It can leave one feeling very left out. This was certainly the position my ex-housemate found himself in living with three football fans. As a kind of pub-conversation survival guide, I created for him – and now you, dear reader – the ‘football-ionary’.

As general tips, the ‘football virgin’ or ‘football novice’ would be well served to express points in a confident, vociferous, humorous, stereotype-laden and politically incorrect manner, ideally pint in hand. Knowledge of specific facts is actually not terrible important. Good luck and God speed…

50/50 n descriptive of a situation in which both competitors have equal, hence the name, chance of winning possession of the ball.

Armchair fan a fan who is not seen to support the game and his/her team because he does not spend extortionate amounts viewing matches live (also, fair-weather fan).

Blind adj a judgement passed upon a referee’s – supposed – poor decision making (however, officials, by definition, can’t be blind).

Big lad both descriptive of a player’s physical attributes and, typically, his high-strength but relatively low-skill game (see also put on the big lad).

Box the penalty area.

Don’t like it up ‘em colloq a vague term which suggests the opposition particularly does not appreciate, and therefore play well against, aggressive play. It can usually be safely applied by the football virgin testing out the waters of his or her unknown territory, and may often be reinforced by further comments asserting how the team of choice is going to “get stuck in” and “smash them”.

Early doors adj, n early on during the match e.g get stuck in early doors.

Early bath n a sending off, for when players are guilty of a serious foul or ungentlemanly conduct.

FIFA officially the ruling establishment of football – who are typically referred to very negatively – but also a popular football simulation computer game. Be wary: this is a potential banana skin for the football novice.

Footy ManFooty Manager or FM football management simulation computer game that is as important, if not more, for many football fans as the game itself. It is often juxtaposed with the real game e.g “*player* is playing shit at the moment…he’s smacking them in for fun on my Footy Manager game, though!”

Game of two halves n another nebulous, catch-all term which describes the arbitrariness, capricious nature of football.

Gaffer synon manager.

Gloryhunter a fan of a team who is supposed to only support them for their triumphs, not through thick and thin, which is often considered requisite in football contrary to its largely consumerist, capitalist nature.

Heskey n a lovable oaf, and also anyone vaguely resembling him.

Lad common way of referring to those men involved in football.

Lino colloq the linesman – the official responsible for determining throw-ins and offsides.

OG abbr own goal.

On a plate adj (concerning a goal-scoring opportunity) easy.

Pen abbr penalty.

Play the whistle colloq a dictum to continue playing until an official directs otherwise.

Poncy adj descriptive of football which is seen to fail for its over-complication and fanciness. Perhaps the foremost exponents of poncy football are Arsenal. When successful, ‘poncy’ football is referred to as, variously, ‘good football’, ‘champagne football’ and displaying ‘tekkers’.

Poof 1. Any player that reads a broadsheet newspaper (this definition, in football terms, typically extends all the way down to The Daily Mail).

2. Any player that doesn’t recklessly put their body in danger for the benefit of the team.

Prawn sandwich brigade a term coined by infamous hard-man Roy Keane to describe, negatively, the influx of the bourgeoisie thought to be far less fanatically (and unquestioningly) passionate about the game and ‘their’ team than those who favour Pukka pies for nourishment. A tricky one to employ, but will earn the football novice real respect as a ‘proper’ fan if employed properly (see also Pukka pie).

Pukka pie n stodgy, meat-based produce favoured at half time at football grounds, especially lower league. Generally thought to be real, honest football grub.

Put on the big lad colloq a tactic often employed by teams in dire straits, whereby they stick an aforesaid ‘big lad’ in attack and play long balls up to him in the hope he can push some people out of the way and head the ball for a typically more talented player to score a goal. A pretty foolproof piece of tactical advice for the football novice to spout when a team is not winning.

She fel’ over colloq a chant echoed when a player, typically the keeper, falls over. The humour lies in the fact that most competitors of football are male – not in fact female, as the chant ostensibly suggests.

Short corner crap colloq descriptive of poncy play at a corner, passing the ball rather than whipping it into the box.

Sitter an easy goal-scoring opportunity (typically applied upon a miss of said chance).

Stonewall adj (concerning a decision) certain. The football virgin can usually get away with applying this if there is merely a reasonably strong case for a decision (if the football novice is feeling adventurous, he may want to mix this with ‘pen’ e.g. “that was a stonewall pen!”)

Tekkers adj, n exhibitive of good technique. If especially so, is often prefaced by ‘unbelievable’. Etymoleng. Technique.

Thursday nights, Channel 5 colloq the term, deriving from the actual scheduling, used to disparage fans of clubs with the misfortune of playing in the Europa League, Europe’s less prestigious domestic competition.

Wanker synon the referee.

Joel Durston

http://thisaffectedyouth.co.uk/2012/03/the-novices-guide-to-surviving-football-conversations/