Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Beyonce farts, world applauds

In Satire on February 8, 2016 at 5:31 PM

A fart from Beyonce has been widely praised as a pivotal moment in the history of feminism and civil rights.

The popstar farted soon after her spectacular appearance in Coldplay’s Superbowl Half-Time Show, which displayed support for the Black Panthers and Black Lives Matter – and critics rushed to praise her anal emission

Suzanne Moore wrote in The Guardian: “The fart represents a historic and empowering expression of black culture, feminism and the intersection between them.

“Being the ultra-powerful woman that she is, Beyonce has, with this fart, crafted her own her safe space, into which the outrageous slings and arrows thrown at her by bitter, emasculated white men cannot enter.”

And Anna Leszkiewicz wrote in the New Statesman: “I think this powerful act will give racist police pause for thought before shooting more innocent black people.”

Tom Haines, a security worker for Beyonce, was party to fart and witnessed its power first hand (or first nose, if you will).

He said: “I get that Beyonce is an independent woman showing people we don’t have to conform to the rigid, stifling patriarchy which society imposes on us all, and I’m totally for her on that.

“But to be fair it did kind of stink. Am I allowed to say that?”

Donald Trump set for shock turn in Game of Thrones

In Satire on June 17, 2015 at 4:19 PM

Donald Trump, who yesterday announced he is running for American president, could be set for a surprise role in Season 6 of Game of Thrones, according to a leaked email from the show’s production team.

The popular fantasy show has now caught up with George R.R. Martin’s novels, its source material, and is looking for fresh characters and stories for season 6, especially after the deaths of major characters in a bloodbath of a finale to season 5.

And it seems the American businessman, with his obsession with riches and power, is the perfect fit.

Game of Thrones creator, David Benioff, wrote: “Megalomaniacal, egotistical and paranoid – he’d fit right in in Westeros!

“I mean, immediately building a ‘great, great wall’ to stop Mexico “sending people who have lots of problems” to America…and then asking Mexico to foot the bill! Even Tywin Lannister would probably consider that a bit strong.

“He’s just said ‘our enemies are getting stronger’, that America is a third world country and that it needs a ‘truly great leader and we need a truly great leader now’.

What better place than Westeros to prove his ability to lead America to the ‘promised land’?!”

“Plus we’re running short on characters for season 6 now and viewers would love to see Trump beheaded. So it’s a win-win-win.”

Ed Miliband and ‘white van man’ Dan to star in TV show

In Satire on November 26, 2014 at 7:09 PM

Channel 4 has announced it will air ‘The Ed & Dan Show: It’s All About Respect’, a documentary with Ed Miliband and ‘white van man’ Dan, in the wake of last week’s controversy in the Rochester and Strood by-election.

Looking to reconnect with voters after last week’s embarrassing flag-gate saga, Labour are working with Channel 4 on the show, which will follow the Labour leader and Dan Ware as the Rochester resident goes about his day.

Ed Miliband said: “It’s a fantastic chance to connect with the type of salt of the earth voter quietly making this country tick, for whom I have such immense respect.”

And Labour’s press officer added: “This kind of ‘scripted reality’ television has worked brilliantly for shows such as The Only Way is Essex and Made in Chelsea.

“So hopefully, with a politician with such charisma as Ed Miliband and a colourful character like Dan, we can successfully transplant this idea into politics.”

It is understood Mr Ware agreed to do the show after being promised a lifetime supply of England flags and assorted merchandise embossed with the St George’s Cross, including a ‘hilarious’ small nodding-head Churchill Dog.

Based on a sneak preview of the first episode, it promises to be entertaining viewing.

In one scene, we see the pair watching football, and Miliband remarks: “I admire the Marxian ethos of football; how the collective must come together in purposeful pursuit of their end.”

“I was quite the player myself in my youth, you know,” he adds, with a guffaw.

Dan, far more interested in the game than Miliband’s musings, shouts at the TV: “MUGGY LITTLE DIVING CUNT! GO ON! NUT ‘IM, MATE!”

Miliband looks to the camera and says: “Ahhhh, the working man and his ribald sense of humour.”

Dan tears his eyes a way for a screen for a second and exclaims: “YOU WOT, MATE?! YOU CALLING ME BALD?! Shut your piehole, you mong.”

To which Miliband looks at the camera, awkward and scared – the kind of face he does so well.


Another scene shows Miliband asking Dan how to fly a flag out of the window. Dan shows him, he expresses his admiration at the “artistry” of the process and proceeds to try his hand with an EU flag.

“Herman Van Rompuy is showing Europe the way towards a progressive, socially democratic future, with peace and co-operation of all member states at its heart. It’s only fair I show my respect for that endeavour.”

Meanwhile, Dan looks as if he’s been asked to explain the theory of relativity.

Miliband, still struggling to bond and keen to impress upon Dan his supposed prolier-than-thou credentials, asks to tag along to some of Dan’s favourite night-time activities – cage-fighting and getting “blotto”.

At the cage-fighting, anyone watching the variety of expressions on Miliband would be watching a show in itself.

“urggh….eewwwww…….well, that’s…………..interesting,” he says at one point, grimacing about as much as the fighters. “The good news is that I’ve been assured by the owner that this is all above board, regulated and taxed.”

“I’m actually now considering about giving some business rates relief to MMA establishments due to the vital role they have in the community – giving virile men a safe space to express themselves.”

“That means less tax for you, Dan.” To which Dan grunts, not looking away from the action.

In the pub after with Dan and his mates, Miliband, copying others, orders a Guinness – “a proud, stout drink befitting these proud folk.”

Dan’s friends loudly encourage Miliband to “DOWN IT, WALLACE,” alluding to the Wallace from Wallace & Gromit. Gamely, he does – albeit in two minutes and about six attempts.

The episode ends with Miliband throwing up in the toilet, then looking up, very sweaty and fluestered, and flashing a thumbs up and a huge, gurning smile to the camera.

You’ve got to give it to him, though – with so many people complaining Westminster politicians are out of touch, at least Miliband’s trying…

Hodgson to call up BNP supporters

In Satire on June 23, 2014 at 3:38 PM

Roy Hodgson has bowed to pressure from the public for England football players with more “passion” by announcing he will now select BNP supporters for the national team.

Following the team’s return to England after their dead rubber against Costa Rica tomorrow, the England manager will, in the absence of any remaining official meeting place for the troubled political movement, look for new players by scouring pubs, fish and chip shops, Jobcentres, the outside of mosques and the types of websites where more is written in upper case than lower case.

Hodgson said: “I will explain the situation to prospective players and draw them in with the promise of being able to promote their political views to a global audience in exotic corners of the world.

“I’m guessing they will be too stupid to realise the irony of that.”

He went on to explain that if someone was interested they must pass a basic test of explaining the offside rule then completing ten kick-ups – to demonstrate basic football knowledge and ability – and then belting out the national anthem and expressing convincing abuse of a minority – to test the more important attribute of “passion”.

“After that, training will consist of some orthodox training sessions but much time drinking copious amounts of alcohol in a pub while watching top-level football and thinking up ways to insult the foreign players,” Hodgson added.

“It will be good for team spirit. None of these spats which have plagued the national team recently. Hate can be a very unifying force, you know.”

BNP Chairman Nick Griffin said: “This is fantastic news, because it means the national team will be restored into the hands of good, honest, native, tax-paying Englishmen.

“The players selected will probably turn up pissed, but that is because we, the BNP, reflect good, honest, native, tax-paying Englishmen.

“And they will still play better pissed than Phil Jagielka sober.”

The world in 2014

In Satire on December 29, 2013 at 12:36 PM

I gazed into my crystal ball to see what news 2014 will throw up…

‘High-Ella’ goes back to school

Oven fresh from her court case revealing she, previously thought of as a ‘perfect housewife’, had taken Breaking Bad-size quantities of drugs, Nigella Lawson will go back to school to teach kids her own unique brand of home economics. Children will be taught the dangers of drugs, but teachers unions and Daily Mail readers alike will express worries that pupils will fail to heed the advice and come out of her lectures on ‘coke cakes’ with the wrong impression. Or just stare at her tits and not take any of it in at all.

Builders on Page 3

The Sun newspaper will give into pressure from feminist campaigners and stop showing women on page 3. However, Rupert Murdoch, ever the savvy operator, knowing his audience and stoking up controversy for sales, will decide to feature each day a different burly male builder looking sultry on the page, naked except for a hard hat covering his modesty and accompanied by a text box of said builder’s faux-highfalutin opinion on the latest news story. For example: “Dave is really concerned about the possibility of a football match between England and Afghanistan to mark the end of British military involvement in the region. He said: The UK’s military involvement in Afghanistan, morally dubious in the first place, has been marred by corruption and very questionable human rights practices. As such, using the noble pursuit of football as a….well, political football to advance this government’s jingoistic and doctrinaire militarism is morally abhorrent. That said, if the game is played, C’Mon ENGLAND!”

Google does your job

Following its acquisition of Boston Dynamics – makers of slightly sinister walking and talking animal robots, including Big Dog, which the US’ Department of Defense uses – Google will announce a robot capable of replacing you at your job. The robot will be life-size, able to be dressed in a person’s clothes and come fitted with voice-recognition software which will learn the owner’s voice. Advanced models will come with three different settings to accurately mimic different workers’ personas at work – ‘productive’, ‘appear productive’ and ‘hungover’. ‘Productive’ will send emails, work on spreadsheets, make phone calls and such like. ‘Appear productive’ will appear to do the same, but, so as not to arouse suspicion with unusually high productivity figures, will actually browse Facebook and look at funny animal videos for most of the day. While in ‘hungover’ mode, intended for use the morning after big office dos, the robot will not even make any pretense towards productivity, and instead regularly hold its head while occasionally uttering generic comments of regret on the previous night’s antics, such as “Oh god…why did I have those three sambuca bombs last night?!” The internet giant will also start work on a facility that will enable the robot to chat up Rebecca from accounts.

Miley Cyrus converts to feminism

Miley Cyrus – arch provocateur or just latest on the factory line of messed celebrities – will deliver a lecture at Yale, discussing her antics such as twerking and mock-pleasuring herself with a giant foam hand in terms of the emancipation of women, and tracing a line back to feminist thinkers such as Emmeline Pankhurst and Germaine Greer. She will assert that performing fellatio on a hammer is a clear representation of women’s hard-fought sexual autonomy and their eschewal of the patriarchy. She will then film a video for a song called Haterz Be Bitchin’, in which she portrays herself as a 21st-century Vitruvian woman – lying back naked and being spun round on circular contraption in a nightclub, while erotically glorying in all the drinks, some of a pale white hue, being thrown over her face. “It is incredibly empowering,” she will say.

UKIP are not for this world…literally

Mocked by people of all political bents – apart Daily Mail and Express – for wanting to ‘stop the world and get off’, UKIP will actually do just that (kind of), by taking off in a space shuttle to the moon. 50 of their top honchos (ie ‘nut cases’) will depart for our celestial neighbour in order to set up a new civilisation, free from political correctness, gay people, taxes, immigrants (ironically), the BBC, global warming, and, last but certainly not least, the EU. But the bureaucrats in Brussels will still trouble Farage and co. right up to take off. As Farage will, despite its relatively limited aerospace capability, insist on launching from the UK – but be hampered by “red tape” from the EU, insisting on such obtrusive things as decent pilot training and rocket safety. Farage will say: “Why all this useless Brussels red tape?! Once again, Brussels fatcats are just trying to stop enterprising (geddit?) Britons going about their business. They are a huge reason we are leaving, but they are trying to make us stay!” And, on what the moon holds for his brigade of space pioneers, he will say: “I have it on bloody good authority – a bloke called Wallace and his pooch – that there is some rather fine cheese on the moon. Better than all that French rubbish anyway”

Russell Brand tries a rebrand

After a staunch attack on free market capitalism, Russell Brand will decide to get “inside the belly of the beast” to better understand it, by becoming a regional manager of a HSBC branch. He will say: “I wanted to brrrrrrroooaaden my horrrrriiiizzons. I’ve been saying capitalism is shit and all that, but then I thought don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it. And I can’t really say I have, what with being too fucked on drugs for about a decade after being of working age, then doing this ‘making people laugh’ lark, which does make some moooooooolah, as they say, but isn’t really the syyyysssstttttemmmm.” Brand will go on to get dismissed for ‘improper conduct’, including joining up points on a sales figures Powerpoint to make out the outline of a masturbating monk.

“Basketball diplomacy”

Dennis Rodman will, sponsored by betting company Paddy Power, travel to North Korea to train citizens for an exhibition basketball game against what is believed to be a roster of former NBA stars. The match will mark the birthday of North Korean “supreme leader” Kim Jong Un on January 8, with whom the wildchild of 90s NBA basketball is “friends for life”. The trip will come amid escalating tension in the country, linked to the recent execution of Kim Jong Un’s uncle, a successful nuclear launch and long-standing controversy over the repressive country’s widespread poverty and human rights abuses.“I mean, whatever his uncle has done, and whoever’s done anything in North Korea, I have no control over that,” Rodman will tell Reuters, without apparent irony given the huge propaganda tool the basketball game will be. “I mean, these things have been going on for years and years.” Again, said with no apparent irony.

This event, though, is ACTUALLY BEING PLANNED, and Rodman has actually said those things (and more lunacy). Dear reader, I shit you not.

It was all worth It, says shamed Flowers

In Satire on November 25, 2013 at 5:17 PM

Reverend Paul Flowers has sensationally hit back at critics of his controversial chairmanship of the Co-op Bank.

The Methodist minister – dubbed by some “the Crystal Methodist” – has been released on bail following arrest in Merseyside in connection with a “drugs supply investigation”, and will face an independent inquiry into events at the Co-op Bank, from where he has been suspended, along with from the Labour Party.

This is in addition to investigation Bradford Council is carrying out over his resignation as Labour Councillor amid “inappropriate but not illegal” content being found on his work computer.

All this has created a storm in the press, with allegations of political cronyism and hedonistic excess flying.

But, in a major twist to events, Rev Flowers, 63, has said it was all, kind of, worth it.

“OK, I probably shouldn’t have done all those drugs and all those rent boys and charge all those expenses – but, in my defence, I did have a fuck load of fun,” he admitted.

“That’s what all these papers are forgetting. Yes, I spunked a load of money up the wall…and more! Oi oi! But at least hardly any of it was your money.

“Firstly, it wasn’t billions like in the big financial crash; it was only millions. That’s like pocket change in the City.

“And let’s face it the only people who invest in the Co-op anyway are the Labour Party – who are getting a fucking good deal, let me tell you, and are coming in for a lot of stick now – and Guardian readers, who are well off enough not to miss a few bob.

“If they were hard up, they wouldn’t invest their money in a bank fannying around trying to be ‘responsible’ just as a salve their bourgeois conscience, would they?!”

“The Mail, who have of course been hounding me, and its readers won’t have lost any money (and anyway its hardly short of dosh with all their online celebrity tosh). In fact they’ve probably done quite well out of making me public enemy number one.

“Pretty much the perfect story for them, isn’t it? Church scandal, dodgy bankers, drugs, prostitution, sordid homosexual sex and Labour-bashing. I tick all the boxes.”

“They and their readers profess to hate all these, yet repeatedly buy the papers to read about it all, like moths to a light. Thinking about it, that’s kind of moral masochism, which is probably more fucked up than me!”

Rev Flowers also went on to the say that, had the rent-boy well under half his age instead been a glamourous twenty-something female escort, he would be seen, by many, as a bit of hero.

Imagining what a typical reaction to this would be, he joked: “aaahh, that sly fucker, acting all godly while nobbing some hot little piece half his age on the side…. LAAAAD.”

“Let’s face it, what I did sexually pales in comparison to some of the shit the Church has done, which everyone knows about now and is kind of inured to. And look at pop music these days – a barely legal girl former Disney star, miming masturbating herself and swinging about naked on wrecking ball for ten-year-olds to see!

“So I don’t think my…loose morals, you could say – which were legal, I hasten to add – were really the issue. I think it was more the gayness of it all.

“I appreciate I’m not in the best position to preach at the moment, but that worries me to be honest. We have gay marriage now; we should also have equality of opportunity for depraved, duplicitous crack-fuelled prozzie orgies!”

When we suggested to him, that much of the outrage, instead, stemmed from espousing virtue as part of the Church and practising what many would see as hypocritical vice outside it, the Reverend was sanguine.

“Yeeehhh…..well….Methodism could do with being sexed up a bit, couldn’t it? All that helping the helpless is nice, but interminably dull and worthy,” he said.

“And Labour could do with it as well to be honest…bunch of private school kids bleating about energy bills from their Hampstead Heath mansions.

“Ed Miliband wants to reform the whole economic system, but he’s hardly Che Guevara, is he? He’s more Wallace out of Wallace & Gromit.”

England turning Blue

In Satire on November 6, 2013 at 12:30 PM

Independent bookshops, art retailers and French language courses are reporting a huge increase in the number of sales to men following the recent release of two sexually explicit French films.

Blue Is The Warmest Colour tells the story of a shy, working class girl who falls in love with an older, sophisticated art student, and Jeune & Jolie (Young and Beautiful) follows 17-year-old Isabelle as she enters the world of high-class prostitution.

And it appears men are, so to speak, warming to the arty, intellectual and liberated world portrayed in the two films, as the France Universale Centre of Culture (FUCC) have announced a 35% increase in ‘Frenchy-ness’, which it attributes to amorous men.

Its Director, Bernaud Abel, said: “C’est magnifique. Le English man, he adores our sumptuous women.”

“That philistine, Davide Cameron, he deprives le English man of la pornographie, and le feministes they all say they are enlightened but they sound like they want men to be eunuchs.”

“But man is a sexual animal, as is woman! We French understand this, and this is why ze English flock to our women now!”

To test out this new found love for our Gallic neighbours, we took to the trendy streets of Shoreditch, East London, where we found converted Francophile Tom Squires buying a vintage poster of Avignon and a copy of Nausea by Sartre.

“I really admire the immediacy that undergirds both of these sublime films and the challenging notions of selfhood they both explore,” he said.

“And the sexuality inherent in the pictures clearly traces a long lineage of quintessentially French themes of liberation and revolution.”

However, Randy Thomas, who was picking up an Introduction to French book having seen Blue Is The Warmest Colour, hinted at more prosaic reasons for the British man’s cultural conversion.

“Je……voo-drayz…boobs,” he said. Grinning.

TV watchers now enlightened gurus

In Satire on October 2, 2013 at 1:34 AM

People once considered ‘fat slobs’ are now thought of as cultural gurus thanks to the ‘golden age of television’, according to new research.

The Institute of TV Studies has found the esteem in which serial TV watchers are held has jumped by an impressive 35%, due to the proliferation of big budget American imports such as Breaking Bad, Dexter, Game of Thrones and Mad Men.

A spokesman for the institute said: “Our research shows the type of people who were once seen as lazy, unambitious, degenerates even, are now enjoying their role as cultural tastemakers, as television is increasingly seen as high art, as opposed to something to obviate the need for families to actual talking at dinner or as a Marxist tool for controlling the proletariat.”

We spoke to some of the newly enlightened fellows (the research shows they are nearly always male) about their new role at the top of the culture tree.

Mike Jones, a seasoned TV watcher, said: “It’s great. Where once I was just this guy who lay prone, eating Doritos perched on his rather considerable belly and neglecting his children, I am now treated like Brian fucking Sewell. Even though I haven’t really changed my behaviour.”

“It’s pretty easy really. All you have to do is watch a show, say how great the cinematography is, how complex the characters are, and chuck in a line about how it’s ‘like modern-day Shakespeare’, and you’re golden.”

“Old William wrote 53 fucking plays – of course a half-decent show is going to be like something he did. It’s a meaningless enough phrase that no-one will really query – I just made that figure up for example. But it makes you look clever.

“So basically I do the same thing I’ve always done, but now it’s as if I’ve read the complete works of Dostoyevsky and I’m thought of as this enlightened dispenser of wit and wisdom.

“And, as I’m nearly always watching TV anyway, I’m even seen as ahead of the crowd, instead of a bandwagon-jumper. Like with Breaking Bad, I just stumbled across it way back when the first season was shown on Channel 5 ‘cos I just left the TV on after watching World’s Deadliest Sharks or summin.”

“Then I told people about it and that it was about family, finding one’s passion, I think I even said mortality…I was treated as if I’d actually given them this fucking life-changing drug.”

“So cheers, Vince Gilligan!”

Tom Phillips, another well-watched person, said: “It’s all about the minorities. TV shows love minorities, through some combination of offering escapism and filling ethnic quotas, and they give half-arsed critics like myself a great chance to sound intelligent and right-on.”

“Just say ‘such and such a show really deconstructs the stereotype of such and such a minority as such and such a thing’, and explain it a bit or maybe develop it a little bit further with some counter-arguments…trust me, they’ll be eating out of your newly-sophisticate hands.”

“All you’re doing really is pointing out the obvious – that groups and even individual people are complex and varied things. And who, apart from UKIP voters, seriously doesn’t believe that?! But the important thing for the wannabe critic is to remember that the stereotypes do exist and TV shows offer people a way to challenge them in a seemingly intelligent way.

“Little tip here: ‘zeitgeist’ – look it up – is a good word to use here because it’s foreign and begins with a z so it makes you makes you sound smart.

“Orange Is the New Black is great for this – black people, hispanic people, immigrants, lesbians, drug addicts, and all of them women, locked up in a prison run by mostly lecherous and corrupt male guards (the ‘patriarchy’). It’s like minority central.

“It’s pretty good too.”

US plans radical intervention in Syria

In Satire on August 27, 2013 at 3:13 PM

The US is planning an extraordinary intervention into the Syrian crisis – by deploying Mylie Cyrus’ twerking, according to leaked emails between high-ranking government officials.

The emails, from US Senate Committee on Foreign Relations staff, reveal the move is intended to bring about the end President Bashar al-Assad’s regime.

Amid polarised debate among policy makers and opinion formers on the appropriate Western response to the Syrian crisis, the plan aims to appease both interventionists and non-interventionists – the latter to vary degrees opposed to Syria intervention, following troubled interventions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One email said: “Let’s get Miley Cyrus to go over Syria to do some twerking. It will mean Assad’s men are distracted by her decadent Western ways, allowing us to covertly work against the regime.

“Hell, it may even split the regime’s officials into pro-twerkers and anti-twerkers, thus making them easier to infiltrate. Divide and conquer.”

The plan is to liaise with MTV to persuade them to film a fake “cultural enrichment” visit. This will involve the pop singer filming her new music video in Syria and being filmed in a behind-the-scenes documentary attempting to “bridge two cultures, which are often portrayed by Western media as very different, but which are, at their heart, strikingly similar”.

“It will be just like Argo,” the email added.

The email also explained the political astuteness of the plan, detailing how it will appeal to different parties.

“It’s a win-win-win situation,” it was claimed. “Interventionists – whether right or wrong usually hardened to the messy reality of conflict – will like the fact that we are doing something and appreciate the strategic, casualty-minimising nature of the plan. Of course we cannot fully guarantee the safety of Cyrus, but interventionists are more likely to regard (possible) small loss of life as an unfortunate but necessary means to an end.”

“Non-interventionists, typically self-styled liberals and intellectuals, will no doubt be sceptical of the plans, but should appreciate the peaceful approach. And it’s Miley Cyrus – once a Disney girl, now pop’s R-rated sex puppet. It’s not like we’re risking Emmeline Pankhurst’s life.

“And, as for the actual Miley Cyrus fans, they’ll probably just be excited for her amazeballs new video, and like that she’s doing some charridee work for the poor A-rab kids.”

Asked how they would get Miley Cyrus on board, the emailer replied: “tell her or her management that it’s a risqué project, and then if shit hits the fan we can always claim we said risky, and that they just mis-heard.”

Sources close to the singer state she is interested by the idea of “this crazy new direction”.

Joel Durston

Cameron’s porn laws counter-productive, think-tank claims

In Satire on July 24, 2013 at 1:38 PM

Men could actually be driven to more disturbing sexual images following David Cameron’s clampdown on internet pornography, a leading think-tank has claimed.


The Prime Minister’s measure of compelling internet service providers to make pornography opt-in is designed to limit the effects of the extremes of pornography.

But the Institute of Thinking and Researching Stuff has claimed it could actually increase sexual extremism, as people develop out-of-the-ordinary sexual predilections in searching for alternatives to censored conventional pornography.



The Institute’s Dave Wheeler said: “Remember those times where you go on some natures-y holiday or where your internet goes down for a week or so, and you’re forced to… improvise for your pleasure, let’s say – this is what these new porn laws will be like for many people.



“And it won’t just be the standard knocking one off to the lingerie section of the Argos catalogue either. Our research shows that people will graduate onto cookery shows, property shows, even newsreaders – hoping they don’t cut to images of Syria or something half-way through.



“No part of normal adult life will be left untouched – literally.



I’m telling you, society needs ‘hot horny milfs getting anally annihilated’. They’re a great safety valve for society’.



Bloke A agreed, and defended pornography on unusual grounds – feminism. (He deigned to give his name, partly due to embarrassment, partly thinking being a man was sufficient qualification to speak on the subject).

He said: “All these feminists want us to look at women not just as sex objects but for their talent and intelligence and stuff, right?



“But us men think about sex every three seconds, isn’t it? So how is it possible to look at women in a nice, non-sexual way without porn?!



“If we can’t actually see Busty Kendras as naughty young doctors, we’re going to start visualising all doctors – and teachers, and scientists, and high-powered executives – like that. And all the time – not just most of the time, like now.



“We can’t help it. It’s evolution…I think.



“Would feminists want that situation?! I don’t think so…”