Ed Miliband and ‘white van man’ Dan to star in TV show

In Satire on November 26, 2014 at 7:09 PM

Channel 4 has announced it will air ‘The Ed & Dan Show: It’s All About Respect’, a documentary with Ed Miliband and ‘white van man’ Dan, in the wake of last week’s controversy in the Rochester and Strood by-election.

Looking to reconnect with voters after last week’s embarrassing flag-gate saga, Labour are working with Channel 4 on the show, which will follow the Labour leader and Dan Ware as the Rochester resident goes about his day.

Ed Miliband said: “It’s a fantastic chance to connect with the type of salt of the earth voter quietly making this country tick, for whom I have such immense respect.”

And Labour’s press officer added: “This kind of ‘scripted reality’ television has worked brilliantly for shows such as The Only Way is Essex and Made in Chelsea.

“So hopefully, with a politician with such charisma as Ed Miliband and a colourful character like Dan, we can successfully transplant this idea into politics.”

It is understood Mr Ware agreed to do the show after being promised a lifetime supply of England flags and assorted merchandise embossed with the St George’s Cross, including a ‘hilarious’ small nodding-head Churchill Dog.

Based on a sneak preview of the first episode, it promises to be entertaining viewing.

In one scene, we see the pair watching football, and Miliband remarks: “I admire the Marxian ethos of football; how the collective must come together in purposeful pursuit of their end.”

“I was quite the player myself in my youth, you know,” he adds, with a guffaw.

Dan, far more interested in the game than Miliband’s musings, shouts at the TV: “MUGGY LITTLE DIVING CUNT! GO ON! NUT ‘IM, MATE!”

Miliband looks to the camera and says: “Ahhhh, the working man and his ribald sense of humour.”

Dan tears his eyes a way for a screen for a second and exclaims: “YOU WOT, MATE?! YOU CALLING ME BALD?! Shut your piehole, you mong.”

To which Miliband looks at the camera, awkward and scared – the kind of face he does so well.


Another scene shows Miliband asking Dan how to fly a flag out of the window. Dan shows him, he expresses his admiration at the “artistry” of the process and proceeds to try his hand with an EU flag.

“Herman Van Rompuy is showing Europe the way towards a progressive, socially democratic future, with peace and co-operation of all member states at its heart. It’s only fair I show my respect for that endeavour.”

Meanwhile, Dan looks as if he’s been asked to explain the theory of relativity.

Miliband, still struggling to bond and keen to impress upon Dan his supposed prolier-than-thou credentials, asks to tag along to some of Dan’s favourite night-time activities – cage-fighting and getting “blotto”.

At the cage-fighting, anyone watching the variety of expressions on Miliband would be watching a show in itself.

“urggh….eewwwww…….well, that’s…………..interesting,” he says at one point, grimacing about as much as the fighters. “The good news is that I’ve been assured by the owner that this is all above board, regulated and taxed.”

“I’m actually now considering about giving some business rates relief to MMA establishments due to the vital role they have in the community – giving virile men a safe space to express themselves.”

“That means less tax for you, Dan.” To which Dan grunts, not looking away from the action.

In the pub after with Dan and his mates, Miliband, copying others, orders a Guinness – “a proud, stout drink befitting these proud folk.”

Dan’s friends loudly encourage Miliband to “DOWN IT, WALLACE,” alluding to the Wallace from Wallace & Gromit. Gamely, he does – albeit in two minutes and about six attempts.

The episode ends with Miliband throwing up in the toilet, then looking up, very sweaty and fluestered, and flashing a thumbs up and a huge, gurning smile to the camera.

You’ve got to give it to him, though – with so many people complaining Westminster politicians are out of touch, at least Miliband’s trying…

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