US plans radical intervention in Syria

In Satire on August 27, 2013 at 3:13 PM

The US is planning an extraordinary intervention into the Syrian crisis – by deploying Mylie Cyrus’ twerking, according to leaked emails between high-ranking government officials.

The emails, from US Senate Committee on Foreign Relations staff, reveal the move is intended to bring about the end President Bashar al-Assad’s regime.

Amid polarised debate among policy makers and opinion formers on the appropriate Western response to the Syrian crisis, the plan aims to appease both interventionists and non-interventionists – the latter to vary degrees opposed to Syria intervention, following troubled interventions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One email said: “Let’s get Miley Cyrus to go over Syria to do some twerking. It will mean Assad’s men are distracted by her decadent Western ways, allowing us to covertly work against the regime.

“Hell, it may even split the regime’s officials into pro-twerkers and anti-twerkers, thus making them easier to infiltrate. Divide and conquer.”

The plan is to liaise with MTV to persuade them to film a fake “cultural enrichment” visit. This will involve the pop singer filming her new music video in Syria and being filmed in a behind-the-scenes documentary attempting to “bridge two cultures, which are often portrayed by Western media as very different, but which are, at their heart, strikingly similar”.

“It will be just like Argo,” the email added.

The email also explained the political astuteness of the plan, detailing how it will appeal to different parties.

“It’s a win-win-win situation,” it was claimed. “Interventionists – whether right or wrong usually hardened to the messy reality of conflict – will like the fact that we are doing something and appreciate the strategic, casualty-minimising nature of the plan. Of course we cannot fully guarantee the safety of Cyrus, but interventionists are more likely to regard (possible) small loss of life as an unfortunate but necessary means to an end.”

“Non-interventionists, typically self-styled liberals and intellectuals, will no doubt be sceptical of the plans, but should appreciate the peaceful approach. And it’s Miley Cyrus – once a Disney girl, now pop’s R-rated sex puppet. It’s not like we’re risking Emmeline Pankhurst’s life.

“And, as for the actual Miley Cyrus fans, they’ll probably just be excited for her amazeballs new video, and like that she’s doing some charridee work for the poor A-rab kids.”

Asked how they would get Miley Cyrus on board, the emailer replied: “tell her or her management that it’s a risqué project, and then if shit hits the fan we can always claim we said risky, and that they just mis-heard.”

Sources close to the singer state she is interested by the idea of “this crazy new direction”.

Joel Durston

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