Brits are too boring to spy on, intelligence officer reveals

In Satire on June 10, 2013 at 6:45 PM

Britons worried that British intelligence agencies are engaging in similar practice to that exposed in the current Prism scandal in America may be relieved, if slightly put back, by a new revelation exposed by TAY – we’re just too boring too monitor.


The comments come from former MI5 employees Brian Meadows (not his real name), and refer to a short period when, Mr Meadows claims, MI5 was legally granted especially wide-ranging access to data on people’s phone calls, emails and ‘private’ space on the internet.


In the same time – the “dummy run”, as it was known – staff on Operation Snoop were also under orders to monitor public space on the internet for possible extremism.


Mr Meadows said: “I don’t know what all this fuss is about Prism really – having done it, I can assure you, very few people have anything interesting enough for MI5 to take much notice of.”


On the experience of the two-week period, Mr Meadows said: “It was just hell. Minute after minute, hour after hour of mind-numbing shit. This country used to run the world – and now we’re laughing at pictures of cats, idolising the Kardashians and obsessing about how winky faces should be interpreted.


“And the hashtags…dear god the hashtags…I was monitoring Twitter for a bit.


“To be honest, I came away thinking the….what are they called….Beliebers, pose more of a threat to society than any terrorists could ever do.”


Mr Meadows also disclosed other employees’ tasks during this period.


He said: “I didn’t envy Steve (name changed) going over Youtube either. He said he came away with a new found knowledge for ways one’s mother can be whore and of the “flexibility of English grammar”.


“Another said that if he saw one more duck-face or person complaining about the completely inevitable effects of drinking, he might go and top someone himself.


“A few people were even put on Instagram-watch. God knows what they’re going find there…some gym junkie hiding a bomb in his ‘rock-hard’ pecs, or someone’s risotto posted for dinner containing hidden extremist messages…?


“And, on top of all the tedium, I just had this nagging feeling it was all just a little bit pointless. If you’re planning to blow something up, why would you do it over Facebook?


“How stupid are these lunatics? Anyone who’s watched even one episode of Homeland knows terrorists speak in person.


“Me and my colleague joked – or half-joked – that it would be more efficient to just go out in Brick Lane, get a bit rowdy, maybe even have the birds on reception get their tits out, to try and draw some religious nutters out.


“A weird kind of honeytrap, if you will,” he added with a wry smile.


And, referring to Muslim Patrol, he added: “In fact, since we had that conversation, it seems these loons might just walk right into our hands anyway!”

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