joeldurston

Toynbee toying with the Tories

In Satire on November 7, 2012 at 9:30 PM

Journalist Polly Toynbee has been receiving illicit payments from the Conservative party, who she regularly derides in her Guardian columns, leaked emails seen by TAY reveal.

In what could prove career-ending revelations, the emails, between her and a Conservative minister, detail payments of around £1,000 for two or three articles a week in a mutually beneficial agreement.

The Conservative minister said to the columnist: “Your precious, self-righteous whines masquerading as commonsensical, everyman journalism have been instrumental in allowing us to paint opposition to our austerity measures as confined to merely couscous-eating middle-class professionals who get offended on behalf of others and poncho-wearing Occupy freaks who rail capitalism having never done an honest day’s work in their life”.

He also went on to praise the journalist’s overall commitment to the ruse, including her political campaigning and regularly-used Twitter profile and even public spats with spats with the Conservative party which led to a typically effusive statement from Boris Johnson.

“[Toynbee] incarnates all the nannying, high-taxing, high-spending schoolmarminess of Blair’s Britain. Polly is the high priestess of our paranoid, mollycoddled, risk-averse, airbagged, booster-seated culture of political correctness and ‘elf ‘n’ safety fascism,” he said.

And on the other side of the leaked correspondence, Polly Toynbee thanked the Conservative minister for their “continued hard-line but common-sense policies” as they played into the “trite and clichéd image” the Tories have, despite austerity being necessary at least to some degree because of Labour’s “nice but naive policies under the last administration”.

She said: “This political atmosphere allows me, as a half-decent writer, to spew out some half-baked rubbish implying that the state should solve all of society’s ills and then bathe in all the adulation of those that think I’m the ‘voice of the voiceless’ (Seriously, does anyone ‘voiceless’ really read the Guardian?! They do have that thing called ‘X-Factor’ for that, I believe, don’t they?!)

“I thought people might start raising suspicions about my real motives once I started plugging my new book at the end of every article, but surprisingly not (or at least not very much). My kids’ private education and the villa in Tuscany don’t pay for themselves you know…and mere Guardian wages certainly don’t, not even for me.”

Joel Durston

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