joeldurston

The Real Notting Hill Carnival?

In Satire on August 27, 2012 at 12:52 PM

Notting Hill residents angered by the “debauched revelry” happening on their doorsteps are planning a “comeback festival” in Hackney, TAY can exclusively reveal.

The Notting Hill Carnival saw 299 arrests this year – a figure up on last year – amongst loud music, traffic and public transport disruption, along with a range of other behaviour that many residents of the largely upmarket, upper middle class area disapproved of.

So, during these festivities, hundreds of Notting Hill-ers were secretly planning a “comeback festival”, which our sources suggest could happen this weekend.

Jamie Smith, a 45-year-old going under a pseudonym, said: “some are us are well and truly sick of the riff raff that annually comes into our treasured community, causing public disorder, disrupting public transport and besmirching its good name with hellish, soulless music, gaudy dancing and god knows what else.

“Quite why this happens in our community is beyond us when it is so uncharacteristic of Notting Hill’s normal character.

“So we have resolved not to take this erosion of cultural values lightly, and will stage our own festival in what I believe to be many of these revellers’ backyard, Hackney.”

Mr Smith was unwilling to go into specifics of the festival but TAY has learnt from other sources what events are likely to be involved.

It is believed the likes of Adele, Coldplay, Moby and Norah Jones will play from loud speakers on the streets, causing awkward semi-dancing from festival-goers; long tables with Habitat cutlery will recreate a dinner party feel; organic potato salad, tofu kebabs and cous-cous with pesto or humus will be sold at every corner; and many stalls will promote new business ventures, private schools and morally dubious tax avoidance schemes.

There may also be several cases of people, at the smallest invitation, whipping out business cards from pockets – a practice which will no doubt raise some eyebrows.

Several Hackney residents TAY spoke to about the possibility of the festival suspected that, if it did go ahead, it may exclude the local community.

But Jamie Smith rebuffed the claims, stating “the event will be for everyone … provided of course they earn over £30,000 and vote Tory”.

Joel Durston

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