joeldurston

A U-turn to End All U-turns?

In Satire on June 3, 2012 at 4:31 PM

With the news of the government’s most recent U-turn, regarding plans to set a maximum cap on philanthropic donations, David Cameron has sensationally announced a U-turn on U-turns, TAY can reveal.

The news follows several about-turns this week – on pasties, static caravans, secret trials evidence, and buzzard killing.  Mr Cameron said: “In tough times, like this, we need strong governance, and after careful consideration we have decided to deliver what we actually propose to…pinky promise.

“The thing is, it’s hard to rule a country when some of those in power are Draco Malfoys and some of them are Neville Longbottoms.

“For instance, just law week, we went on a team bonding exercise to see that clever fellow Ali G’s new motion picture, The Dictator, I believe it’s called.

“All the Lib Dems thought it was a shocking, dangerous piece of cinema which needed to be censored immediately; and all the Tories found it spot on and bloody hilarious, some backbenchers even thinking Admiral General Aladeen was a bit soft.”

The Prime Minister went on to speak of all the consequent troubles of deciding Coalition policy – citing House of Lords reform as a bone he threw Clegg to chew – and other tough decisions in Parliament such as what is a reasonable proportion of tea rounds for Nick to do.

He admitted that this discord had led to some policy proposals being decided by rock-paper-scissors (“proportionally weighted – we may often be considered bastards, us Conservatives, but to our grave we are fair bastards”).

And, in a potentially damning revelation for the government, he admitted the pasty tax was such a parliamentary hot potato that it was decided by a magic 8-ball.

“We were just at a complete and utter impasse,” he said. “It seemed the fairest way to leave it up to the political gods.”
“The first time it said ‘focus and ask again; and the second, ‘as I see it, yes’. If that’s not a ringing endorsement, then, I’m not quite sure what is!”

Tory Party members are quick to remind people that after proposals they carefully listened to the press and public and changed their mind in line with the consensus, but opposition leaders are claiming that this should not have needed to happen in the first place.

Labour leader, Ed Milliband, said: “These U-turns have once again shown David Cameron to be indecisive, misguided and, well, quite frankly, a wet blanket. This country, in times of harsh recession brought about by the nasty Tories and sycophantic Lib Dems, needs the strong, decisive leadership that a Labour government would present.”

However, when pressed on what his policy would be on the matters at hand, he merely proceeded to offer the same statement in about 17 different grammatical forms.

Meanwhile, newspapers editors were gleefully rubbing their hands at how much they could influence government.

The Sun’s Editor said: “It’s great; it’s like playing with little figures on a political version of Risk.

“Just chuck in a letter or two from Barry in Scunthorpe and Nora from Derby, ranting about how ‘rich’ Tories, who have ‘probably never ate a pasty in their life’, don’t understand the plight of the working man or woman, and they’re putty in your hands; slaves to your agenda.”

Adding, as he patted a little framed picture of David Cameron, “isn’t that right, Dave?!”

Joel Durston

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