joeldurston

easyJet Becomes Even Easier

In Satire on April 5, 2012 at 3:04 AM

TAY can exclusively reveal that budget airline, easyJet, will trial flights which do not properly stop at airports, with surcharges for those wishing to disembark in the traditional manner.

Having been given the go-ahead by the British Aviation Authority (BAA), who are strapped for cash in the midst of the economic downturn and proposed tax increases, easyJet’s trial will take place on selected flights from Manchester Airport, following market research which executives claim support the plans.

The no-frills airline, already notorious for additional fares for exceeding stringent baggage weight limits, will introduce ‘hop on’ services which will slow down to a brisk walking pace at airports but not stop.

Chief executive Officer Carolyn McCall said: “after doing the market research, we have found that, in economically tough times, people are willing to sacrifice a little bit of comfort for affordable prices.

“Similar modes of boarding transport are used all across the third world with no problem so we see no reason not to offer something similar in aviation.

“We are also facing very tough times in the aviation industry, as proposed hikes to Air Passenger Duty mean we are face with even more financially straitened times.

“We are by no means compromising on safety, though.”

Chief executives say the plans will boost efficiency by up to 1000%, as planes will not have to stop for hours at an airport for “cumbersome, bureaucratic, inefficient red tape” such as health and safety checks and cleaning.

The route taken by the trial flights – one easyJet forsees as a trademark; “just like the Northern Line” – is Manchester Airport; to popular budget flight airport, Gatwick; to the ‘City of Love’, Paris; to Toulouse; to Barcelona; to Alicante and finally to Costa Del Sol hotspot, Malaga.

On ‘hop on’ services, there will be a designated ‘quick exit period’, signalled by alarm from the pilot. In this time, passengers departing the aircraft will be expected to jump off the plane into a ‘landing zone’ from a height of around 5 metres and a speed of around 8 miles per hour.

Mrs McCall says customers should not be worried, because even if the trial is successful customers may still opt for the “luxury” of planes that stop at airports (at a premium).

“We are leading an aviation revolution,” she added.

Cabin crews have undergone training on how to prepare passengers to safely depart using the barrel roll procedure.

One member of the cabin crew participating in the trials, Jason Jolly, said: “Weeellll, it makes a change from our usual routine of performing our silent Steps’ dance routine, which I adddooorreee B…T…W., over an anonymous autocue. But we have got SUCH a great team I think we can rock these new grooves!”

Passengers expecting to board will do so in the ‘quick entry period’ which will occur after leaving passengers have departed the plane.

These passengers will be instructed by a boarding manager to run in the warm up area parallel to the plane’s path, and then, at a certain point, run up the boarding ramp which trails from the back of the plane.

“So, as well as being affordable, customers will get the chance to feel like they are in an action movie!”

However, the Health and Safety Executive has expressed doubts at the safety of the planes. They, along with others, are investigating the legality of the venture which exonerates the airline from any damages if passengers are not actually in the plane (with the boarding ramp not constituting ‘the premises of the plane’).

This means easyJet are, currently at least, exempt from any liability arising from injuries suffered while landing in the boarding zone or attempting to board.

A Health and Safety Executive spokesman anonymously said: “What next?! People parachuting out of planes in the same region of the airport in the personal vain hope – and corporate disinterest – of landing at the airport?!”

EasyJet are also playing up the green credentials of the move, which will not waste as much fuel in having to get as many planes launched.

TAY can further reveal competing airline, Ryanair, are planning to fight back by offering ‘super-saver’ flights with standing-only and/or trainee pilots operating the planes.

Joel Durston

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