joeldurston

Arsenal Actually Only Quite Shit

In Satire on February 6, 2012 at 9:29 AM

This Affected Youth can exclusively reveal that the footage of AC Milan v Arsenal that Sky Sports broadcasted last night was in fact that of an electrician called Dave Thompson playing FIFA 12.

Our anonymous whistleblower says the mistake occurred because a workie accidentally knocked a switch at the end of an ad break, plugging the whole system into the Playstation 3 belonging to Mr Thompson, who, in a massive coincidence, was playing the exact game at the San Siro.

As everyone will now know, Mr Thomson won his game 4-0. TAY can reveal the actual score of the match was 3-1 to AC Milan with goals from Ibrahimovic, Robinho, Antonini and Van Persie.

Mr Thompson said: “I found it hilarious that my game of FIFA has been broadcast to millions of people. I knew about the actual match, but I didn’t really care because I’m a Liverpool fan and didn’t think Arsenal would do much anyway, and I was kinda right. Because I have recently upgraded our internet connection at my house and done a jobby over at Sky Sports, I must have got the wires mixed up!”

“My mates have just found out and are giving me a lot of banter, especially for not winning by more goals on ‘amateur’ mode on a full-length game. But I’d only just bought the game and wanted to ease my way into it. Even so, it was stupidly easy. The AI was terrible; really slow, no off-the- ball running and always out of position defensively. They only mounted one serious attack.

“After I got to grips with the game, I was carving up their defence like a knife through butter. It should have been more really. Some tekkers in the first goal, though, wasn’t there? Pretty proud of that as my first goal on this [version of] FIFA.”

The new version of FIFA is so realistic that, though unlikely, such a confusion of reality and fiction can occur as this event shows. It is believed that only late on did the Sky Sports production team realise that they weren’t covering the correct game. Though the broadcasted footage showed a very anaemic, gutless and incompetent performance from Arsenal, this didn’t initially arouse any suspicion of abnormality given their current form.

The whistleblower explained that the producers watched the game and didn’t think anything was awry. This is because Koscielny and Djourou looked like startled, helpless young deer who had just wondered into the path of a truck; Walcott looked like a clueless sprinter who had got lost and gone to a football stadium rather than the athletics one; Arteta and Rosicky were consistently missing tackles and passing the ball five metres sideways and backwards with mixed success; Wenger looked like a sullen, feeble man wearing a sleeping bag; and Ibrahimovic greedily – or, in reality, automatically – took the penalty even though Robinho was on a hat-trick .

A sullen Wenger

A sullen Wenger (Courtesy of The Evening Standard)

It was only the dawning realisation that Van Persie had not scored his obligatory consolation goal that eventually triggered a sense that something was not quite right. One of the technicians checked the switches and eventually uncovered the massive fuck up.

According to our whistleblower, Sky had initially taken the decision to not reveal the fuck up at this point at the risk of damaging their reputation, given the reasonable believability of the broadcasted footage and the conviction that no one would tune into the second leg and see the actual aggregate score; neutrals for a lack of interest and Arsenal fans for a lack of hope – and a desire not to be driven to violence and/or depression.

But the game will go ahead at the Emirates, with Arsenal 3-1 down, but with an away goal and a glimmer of hope…

Joel Durston

This Affected Youth can exclusively reveal that the footage of AC Milan v Arsenal that Sky Sports broadcasted last night was in fact that of an electrician called Dave Thompson playing FIFA 12.

 

Our anonymous whistleblower says the mistake occurred because a workie accidentally knocked a switch at the end of an ad break, plugging the whole system into the Playstation 3 belonging to Mr Thompson, who, in a massive coincidence, was playing the exact game at the San Siro.

As everyone will now know, Mr Thomson won his game 4-0. TAY can reveal the actual score of the match was 3-1 to AC Milan with goals from Ibrahimovic, Robinho, Antonini and Van Persie.

Mr Thompson said: “I found it hilarious that my game of FIFA has been broadcast to millions of people. I knew about the actual match, but I didn’t really care because I’m a Liverpool fan and didn’t think Arsenal would do much anyway, and I was kinda right. Because I have recently upgraded our internet connection at my house and done a jobby over at Sky Sports, I must have got the wires mixed up!”

“My mates have just found out and are giving me a lot of banter, especially for not winning by more goals on ‘amateur’ mode on a full-length game. But I’d only just bought the game and wanted to ease my way into it. Even so, it was stupidly easy. The AI was terrible; really slow, no off-the- ball running and always out of position defensively. They only mounted one serious attack.

“After I got to grips with the game, I was carving up their defence like a knife through butter. It should have been more really. Some tekkers in the first goal, though, wasn’t there? Pretty proud of that as my first goal on this [version of] FIFA.”

The new version of FIFA is so realistic that, though unlikely, such a confusion of reality and fiction can occur as this event shows. It is believed that only late on did the Sky Sports production team realise that they weren’t covering the correct game. Though the broadcasted footage showed a very anaemic, gutless and incompetent performance from Arsenal, this didn’t initially arouse any suspicion of abnormality given their current form.

The whistleblower explained that the producers watched the game and didn’t think anything was awry. This is because Koscielny and Djourou looked like startled, helpless young deer who had just wondered into the path of a truck; Walcott looked like a clueless sprinter who had got lost and gone to a football stadium rather than the athletics one; Arteta and Rosicky were consistently missing tackles and passing the ball five metres sideways and backwards with mixed success; Wenger looked like a sullen, feeble man wearing a sleeping bag; and Ibrahimovic greedily – or, in reality, automatically – took the penalty even though Robinho was on a hat-trick .

A sullen Wenger

It was only the dawning realisation that Van Persie had not scored his obligatory consolation goal that eventually triggered a sense that something was not quite right. One of the technicians checked the switches and eventually uncovered the massive fuck up.

According to our whistleblower, Sky had initially taken the decision to not reveal the fuck up at this point at the risk of damaging their reputation, given the reasonable believability of the broadcasted footage and the conviction that no one would tune into the second leg and see the actual aggregate score; neutrals for a lack of interest and Arsenal fans for a lack of hope – and a desire not to be driven to violence and/or depression.

But the game will go ahead at the Emirates, with Arsenal 3-1 down, but with an away goal and a glimmer of hope…

Joel Durston

http://thisaffectedyouth.co.uk/2012/02/arsenal-actually-only-quite-shit/

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