Why The Riots Happened: From the Criminals’ Perspective

In Satire on August 15, 2011 at 12:56 AM

With commentators variously claiming the riots were caused by humiliating and inescapable social inequality, to lazy, morally bankrupt, ‘feral beasts’, sponging off the state, to everything in between, TAY took a walk off the beaten track to actually ask some of the guilty parties what drove them to do what they did….

Ray Jing, who was for some reason happy to have his name published, is a friend of a friend of TAY writer who was seen burning down a Foot Locker in Camden Town, but escaped arrest. The pyromaniac, speaking to TAY on the phone about the situation, claimed: “well…I’m just a firestarter…twisted firestarter. I gots a call from my boy, Jermaine, that shit was kicking off down Camden, which I was welllll buzzing about cos I usually just blow shit up from my garden, innit. It was good, man. That Foot Locker went down in fffflaaaaames. And peoples usually ain’t too ‘appy about my….passion, but this is good cos apparentlys a lot of people is saying that we did it cos of…. *shouting somewhat out of earshot*, mum, what’s that word I asked about that means ‘unfair’?….injustice… tha’s the one! I just wanted to stir some shit up, ennit. ”

TAY also spoke to another man, who requested to go by the name of ‘Geezer’, and who stole a plasma TV. “Yeh, I probably shouldn’t have stole the TV, but do you really expect a geezer to watch his beloved Hammers on a 14 inch?! Good thing is that the ol’ Bill, the ‘acks and the politicians seem too busy squeaking and squawking abbart rights, differen’ police tactics and social context or whatever to actually try and convict people like me who’ve robbed stuff. Right, gotta mosey along…we’re playing those filthy sheepshaggers, Cardiff. And now I can catch it all in glorious, 32-inch definition, as they say….” *puts the phone down to a chorus of ‘I’m forever blowing bubbles’*.

We also had the good fortune of being able to speak to a somewhat more eloquent, sophisticated looter, who wished to go by name of ‘Enigma’.  ‘Enigma’ was one of the select few looters who stole from a bookshop, in addition to the standard hunting grounds of HMV, Foot Locker, Currys and such like. ‘Enigma’ declared: “yes, I opportunistically looted some items, but this is little different in principle from all the MPs who effectively stole tax payers’ money in the expenses scandal. Even, little different from all those who pirate music and films and illegally stream live sports. All the ultra-left commentators are claiming this is a somehow a politically motivated outcry against the social cost of the ‘greed’, ‘irresponsibility’, even plain ‘thievery’ of the financial and political elite, and/or the general ills of ‘vacuous’ and ‘unjust’ capitalism. If this is the case, is it not a great irony that so many of us are looting plasma TVs, Nike clobber and such like? As Darwin proved, essentially, we’re all just self-interested creatures, grabbing what we can, how we can, in this hellish Hobbesian society…”

Joel Durston

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: