Super-injunction Follows Rapturous Failure

In Culture, Satire on May 25, 2011 at 4:05 PM

We at TAY can exclusively reveal that a super-injunction has been granted to an unnamed deity by the Universal Crown Court to protect his/her name in mention of his/her broken promises to deliver upon the Rapture, announced for this just gone Saturday; 21st May 2011.

As a result of this, TAY is legally bound to not disclose the deity’s name, nor even its gender. We can reveal, however, that rumours abound on the Twitterverse and other social media that ‘Deity’, as it can be referred to, belongs to one of the most, if not the most popular, successful religion in the world today. Consequently, the speculation regarding Deity’s identity is proving a major test of faith for many religious believers, especially those who believe in a deity which fits at least some of the bill.

So, many adherents of the world’s two biggest religions – Christianity and Islam – are frantically pontificating on Deity’s identify. Jews who stake a claim to the religion still being a ‘big religion’ are also worrying, although not as many Jews are worrying due to the common perception among Gentiles that they are ‘just a small religion with nothing to play for’. Hindus have come to a general consensus that Deity cannot be Brahman because, if it were, Westerners would no doubt be speculating upon deities, as they so often misinterpret Hinduism as polytheistic. Many Sikhs have come to similar conclusion, in addition, exonerating Vãhigurũ on the basis that even many of them believe Sikhism to be a ‘small religion’. Most Buddhists have considered themselves exempt from reckoning due to not believing, at least conventionally, in a detiy or deities.

The confusion is proving a test of faith for many people because, if it hasn’t been already, their respect, even adoration, for their beloved deity would be considerably dimmed if these unsavoury rumours, amounting to broken promises to wronged loved ones, proved true of their deity. Furthermore, some have been left penniless after donating huge sums in support and some, such as this poor fellow must repair now-unsustainable lifestyles, drastically changed due to assuredness of the rapture.

Others, however, believe the rumours to be mere ‘tabloid tittle-tattle’. Some even argue that, even if the rumours were proved true of their deity, their support will remain strong. Some claim this is due to their deity’s long career of great, loyal work and some to a supposed distinction between on the earth actions (such as God creating earthly beauty) and off-the-earth actions such as this universal apocalypse, upon which as mere mortals it is supposedly unfair to judge.

Controversially, a minority even support Deity’s actions (or, rather, inactions) for their playfulness. One such commentator claimed: “well, it shows he’s a bit of a geezer, ennit [sic etc.]…foolin’ us..lettin’ us know tha’ he’s still abbaart. I’s reckons he’s still up having a cheeky laugh right now. Let’s be honest, he was never really gonna miss the Premiership relegation battle, was ‘e?! ” [N.B. In the interests of not getting sued to high Heaven (or Paradise, or Nirvana), TAY must clarify that the above views are solely those of the individual and do not necessarily represent those of TAY. Specifically, Deity may in fact be of either sex.]

It is speculated that the reasons given for Deity pursuing legal action to protect his/her name were that, for one ‘small’ indiscretion, he did not want to cause harm to friends, family and followers who would be hurt and, consequently, possibly stop supporting him/her and his/her religion. Some, however, see it as a more cynical move, instigated to protect his/her image rights.

Be sure to check back with TAY for the latest on this super-injunction saga….

Joel Durston.

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