The Royal Wedding as reported by The Daily Mail

In Satire on April 29, 2011 at 6:41 PM

This article was commissioned as a report on the Royal Wedding by the Daily Mail. Alas, it was rejected for ‘too rigidly adhering to our usual standards of impartiality at the expense of adequately conveying the necessary passion and patriotism inherently involved in such a momentous occassion’.

‘The crowds had, understandably, been queuing up since Wednesday morning to catch a glimpse of our two glorious newlyweds, who will shine a beacon of prosperity, dignity and nobility to the rest of the world, so desperately in need of a guiding light. As the sun broke over the Thames Estuary on the morning of this momentous occasion, for miles-upon-miles, crowds lined our fine city of London, exhibiting their patriotism and allegiance to the great institution that our monarchy undoubtedly is.

The towering, beautifully regal Westminster Abbey, of course present in so much of our fine country’s history, was again the host for this historic union of kindred spirits. The 1900 guests of the ceremony gradually convened in the great cathedral from around half eight.  In attendance were of course current royals, relevant clergy, the Choir of Westminster Abbey and friends and family of the couple, some of whom have now since had the rare privilege of casting aside their hitherto commoner status to become royals.

David and Victoria Beckham, who have increasingly become accepted as quasi-royals, appeared at 9:30. David looked as handsome as ever with classic, coiffured slicked-black hair and Victoria as stunning as ever in a frilly, navy blue number with matching hat that, at that angle, dazzlingly defied all laws of gravity in sticking to her head. Thankfully, as upstanding as the Beckhams now are, Clive Woodward and his lovely wife were also in attendance, so rugby; a sport played by gentlemen, not moaning, adulterous thugs that proliferate our supposedly beautiful game, could be represented.

Elton John and his special friend (or whatever we’re supposed to call them now) David Furnish had obviously somehow sneaked in through the…umm… back door. There were also several assorted dignitaries from the Commonwealth such as King Mswati III – last absolute monarch of the world who criminally lived in polygamous luxury while his people starved. The dignitaries were presumably in attendance to copy our winning monarchical formula and as a sign of gratitude for the immeasurably positive role played by Britain in the social and economic development of their respective… places’ development. Well, I suppose now it is fair to call them nations, largely due to our help. But even the presence of a few… undesirables, shall we say, could not spoil this event. We can only hope that they learn from our shining example. Oh well, I am sure Prince Phillip will have some words of wisdom for them, admirably unbowed as he is by these Nazis screaming for political correctness at mere utterance of anything resembling independent thought.

Our fine leader David Cameron, with wife Sarah in a gorgeous green number, joined glorified PA Nick Clegg, George Osborne and wives at ten past ten. Considering their deplorable (and thankfully, futile) efforts to disassemble the monarchy, there was thankfully no invitations for Messrs. Blair and Brown.

Shortly after, William and Harry arrived at the Abbey. Respectively, both looking resplendent in a bright red and black, embroidered military uniform. The outfits illustrate the princes’ admirable commitment to the military and hopefully will go some way to restoring public faith in the brave, brave, ill-treated soldiers.

As Prince Phillip and the Queen entered the Abbey at 10:50, Kate Middleton left the luxury Goring Hotel. Kate’s equally elegant sister Pippa arrives at 10:57, wearing a splendid, long, Alexander McQueen cream dress with cowl neck, and proceeds to walk down the aisle hand-in-hand with Prince Harry. A definite chemistry was in the air between the two young beauties…another burgeoning Prince/Middleton romance, perhaps?! Time shall tell.

Finally, at 11:03, the moment a nation has awaited with baited breath for hours, nay weeks, nay years, arrived; the unveiling of Kate’s dress! And, I’ll tell you what, it didn’t disappoint! She glided out of the car upon her father’s arm, wearing a show-stopping Alexander McQueen dress with glorious veil and tiara, long full skirt, fitted bodice with long French Chantilly lace sleeves and spectacular 2.7m bridal train. The maker Sarah Burton was almost in tears of happiness at what a wondrous sight Kate had made her dress.  After acknowledging her adoring public, she walked down the aisle with her father Michael Middleton. What a proud moment it much has been for him to give away his daughter into the wonderful royal family, having himself risen up the hierarchy from the grim, sordid, squalor of working-class life.

At around 11:10, Kate arrived at the altar and lifted her veil, to which William lovingly mouthed “you look beautiful”. The Dean of Westminster started the ceremony and introduced the Kate and Will’s moving wedding vows. Catherine then took Prince Will’s hand in hers and recited after the Archbishop the timelessly beautiful declaration: “I, Catherine Elizabeth, take thee, William Arthur Phillip Louis, to my wedded husband,….”. The Archbishop then blessed the ring, which had been fashioned by a Llandudno jewellers from a piece of Gold given by the Queen. Then after William had placed the ring on Catherine’s finger, the couple kneeled to be blessed by the Archbishop and have it pronounced that “they be man and wife”.

There then followed several magical readings, prayers and songs. One can hope that such an awe-inspiring service will restore the place of the Church and its moral values in British society, which is tragically being corrupted by a series of horrible vices such as pre-marital sex, drinking, gambling and general decadent depravity.

At 12:15, the glorious newlyweds got in the carriage which idled past the adoring crowds to Buckingham Palace for the iconic ‘balcony kiss’. An hour or so later, Will and Kate appear through the balcony, smiles on their faces as wide as the vista of adoring masses sprawled out beneath them. to a cacophony of awe and wonder. Heralded by the spectacular flight of the aircraft above them, Catherine and William then kissed, not once but twice – images that will go down in history.

My parting thoughts on this day of days are that I hope it inspires the many leeches on our otherwise great society to take inspiration from these two fine examples of monarchy to get off their backsides and make something of their currently pitiful lives, instead of scrounging off the goodwill of the rest of us! (Ed: You do realise don’t you, that the royals cost the British taxpayer around £40 million a year and the wedding is estimated to have cost half that…?!)

A. Royalist ’

Joel Durston

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